


Night Swimming

by CBFirestarter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, College Student Castiel, First Time, Human Castiel, Hunter Dean Winchester, Lake-town, Lifeguard Dean Winchester, M/M, Skinny Dipping, Summer Love, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 06:53:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CBFirestarter/pseuds/CBFirestarter
Summary: Castiel never intended to come back here again, to that lake where he’d spent the happiest summer of his life. It’s only been three years but it feels like a lifetime ago, the sound of a busted radio coming back to life, and the feel of cool water on his naked skin under the cover of night. Memories linger in his heart of green eyes peeking out over sunglasses, red swim trunks hanging off sharp hips, and a haunted smile.Dean can’t believe he’s back in the same New England town, where for one summer he had shucked the weight of the world from his shoulders. In a world filled with monsters and demons he found a bright light of hope in a pair of soft blue eyes. The taste of tanned skin under his lips, strawberry ice cream dripping on his fingers, and he remembers how his past had come to tear it all away.When their lives collide again will they get a second chance? Can they face the demons of their past and the monsters of their future? Can they piece together their broken hearts and find a safe place with each other in a dangerous world?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello All!  
> The time for posting my DCBB has finally come and I am so excited to finally share this fic. This fic presented so many new challenges for me as a writer and I really tried to push myself to deliver my best with this. This is canon divergent AU, its a world were supernatural monsters and demons exist but there is no larger Angel/Demon, Heaven/Hell plot. It is a simplified verse where Castiel is a human not an angel. It takes place between Sam's Stanford years and season one. 
> 
> I want to thank my incredibly talented artist BusySquirrel for gifting me with such lovely art for this story. I was blown away by it and feel so lucky to have worked with you on this story.
> 
> https://bs-acorns.tumblr.com/post/180175724008/art-masterpost-for-night-swimming  
> Link to the beautiful art above <3 
> 
> Second I want to thank my beta's and my editors who encouraged me and helped me along the way, EllenOfOz, TrenchcoatBaby, waywardjenn, WaywardAF67, & Misha_is_my_spirit_animal78. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my daily inspiration and best friends.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy!!!

~~~~~ **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

Three years… it had been three years since he had driven this road. Castiel had been home a few times in those three years, but he never came to this side of town. Most of his visits were over the holidays, choosing to stay in Cambridge for the summers. This summer he had no choice but to come home and bury his uncle Zachariah. He felt an emptiness in his uncle's passing, but he thought it was more for the loss of one of his last living family members than for the man himself. When he thought of his actual uncle, all he really felt at his death is relief. He knew it was a terrible thing to feel, but it was the truth of it.

He began to catch glimpses of the lake as he wound down the unmarked road. It was late afternoon as he pulled into the town beach parking lot. The last two moms were piling their kids into their cars—wet towels and goggles tossed in the back. Castiel  waited in his car till they drove off, flipping through the radio stations. Suddenly a soft piano melody hit his ears and stopped his heart for just a moment.

_“Nightswimming deserves a quiet night_

_The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago”_

REM drifted out through the speakers and Castiel closed his eyes a minute, letting  the song bring him back. Thoughts of warm sun-kissed skin, fumbling hands, and a pair of green eyes filled his mind. It quickly became overwhelming and he turned off the car, jumping out and sucking in a long breath of the June evening air.

He headed toward the path leading down to the beach, and hopped over the rope with the closed sign. The beach looked just the same as he remembered. The big floating dock still sat offshore and small houses dotted the shoreline across the way. Lake Boon was fairly small as far as lakes go, but then again, Stow, Massachusetts was a very small town. He could remember when they installed the town’s first traffic lights at route 117 and route 62. What they lacked in people, they made up for in apple orchards and golf courses.

The sky was taking on a purple hue and the spring peeper frogs were already in full chorus. Castiel walked over to the empty lifeguard chair, ducking underneath to peer up at the old carving on the bottom: _DW was here,_ scrawled in sharp edged lines. Underneath it in slightly more elegant script, _so was CN_. He smiled before climbing up the steps and sitting himself down in the old wooden seat. He looked over and saw the small ice cream stand was unchanged as well.

The armrests could use a sanding and a coat of paint, so he was careful to not give himself a splinter. He knew he should head back soon and start getting packed up. The house was already on the market with two potential buyers. He would be glad to be rid of it, and cut ties with that old, sterile life. He leaned back, closing his eyes and enjoying the soft breeze.

“Hey there, stranger… long time no see,” a familiar, deep voice called and Castiel  looked down past his feet at the man staring up at him. He struggled for words—never had he imagined seeing him here after all this time. The man’s face looked as surprised as he felt.

He licked his lips a moment and cleared his throat before uttering the name he hadn’t said in years…

“Hello, Dean...”

~~~~~ **June, 2002** ~~~~~

_“Are you paying attention there, sport?” Gabriel asked, and Castiel turned his focus back to his cousin._

_“Yes, sorry Gabe.” He tried his best to pay attention, but really, how hard could it be to run an ice cream stand?_

_“Well, pay attention nerd. Scoop the ice cream, put the money in the register and make sure to lock it up tight when you close.” Gabriel peered around, running a hand through his honey-blond hair. “You call if that ice cream truck comes down here making the rounds, alright? Don’t want his fudge bars and choco-tacos cutting into our business.”_

_“Yes, I got it,” Castiel added, and tried not to roll his eyes. He was going to be a junior at college next semester_ _—_ _he could handle this job blindfolded._

_“Well, I’ll leave you to it. Just buzz the main office if you need me, but try not to need me.” Gabe slapped his arm and gave him a wink before heading out the back. Castiel was grateful his cousin could give him a summer job. There weren’t a lot of options for work back home and his uncle always insisted he work to “keep his mind sharp” and “stay out of trouble,” since he didn’t actually need the money. And because  his options were between working the ice cream stand or volunteering at his uncle’s parish, here he sat, watching the locals swim and trying to avoid muscle cramps from scooping ice cream all day._

_He only had one friend in this town growing up, a redhead named Anna, but she was staying out in California over the summer. He wondered if someone could die of boredom or not, and the first day wasn’t even over. He fiddled with the beat-up radio that Gabe had duct-taped to the wall, but the reception was tricky and the antenna was bent. Giving up and not wanting to listen to the static, he flipped the radio off and grabbed a book from his backpack._

_He sat down, flipping open his copy of_ Of Mice and Men _before propping his feet up to watch the swimmers. Mostly it was young kids up to middle school age, swimming and splashing and jumping off the dock.  Mothers sat in rows with books on their laps and coolers at their sides._

_He had been reading for a few hours and sold a few ice creams when a flash of red caught his eye. The lifeguard was hopping down off his tall chair and jogging out towards the water. His bright red swim trunks stood out against his seemingly pale skin. Castiel noticed the way his broad shoulders tapered down into slender hips. There was a splash as he entered the water, swimming out toward the buoy line. Castiel squinted and saw a little girl clinging to the rope. The lifeguard reached her and was soon swimming quickly back to shore with the girl in tow._

_The lifeguard helped the girl over to her mother and waved off her thanks. The guy had on a bright smile that seemed to light up his whole face. The beaded water made his skin shine a bit in the sunlight, and even from afar Castiel  could see that his nipples were hard as a rock from the cold water. Castiel quickly put his eyes back on his book. Last thing he needed was to be caught staring at the guy._

_He glanced down at his boring polo shirt and khaki shorts and began to think he was in need of a new summer wardrobe. He continued reading in-between serving ice creams, glancing up at the lifeguard on occasion. The guy was sitting back a little, one leg resting up on the other and a pair of black sunglasses hiding his eyes. He thought the guy caught him looking a few times, but it was hard to tell with the glasses on. Castiel was pretty sure he was the definition of cool guy_ _—_ _basically everything he was not. What a guy like that was doing in a small town working for pennies as a lifeguard was beyond him. He was also pretty sure he had never seen him before, and_ _in a town this  small, that meant he was new—that he'd actually chosen to come here for the summer._

_The day finally came to an end. The families started to clear out as the lifeguard blew his whistle, signaling the beach was closing. Castiel took that as his cue and started locking up the freezers and marking down the flavors they were lowest on. He was sweeping out the sand that had blown into the stand when he spotted Mr. Cool Guy leaning against the tall chair, tipping his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, talking to one of the mothers. She was pretty, if he was into that kind of thing, and was playing with the string on her tiny cover up. Mr. Cool Guy flashed the mom his pearly whites and she nodded before turning to follow after her kids up the hill._

_Castiel frowned after her, but turned to finish sweeping up, then locked all the doors, checking everything twice. He slung his bag on his shoulder and grabbed his bike, checking the back tire since it had seemed low earlier._

_“G’night,” someone called to him._

_Castiel glanced up to see the lifeguard walking past him. His voice was  deeper than he imagined._

_“Have a good night,” he hastily replied and the guy flashed him a small smile, then tipped his glasses down to wink before heading up to the parking lot. Castiel felt his heart thump a little faster in his chest as he watched the guy’s retreating form. He was so totally screwed if he was going to have to spend the whole summer staring at this very straight guy. He took a few calming breaths, willing his semi down before he finally climbed onto his bike to head home._

_His uncle was already there, setting out the dining room table for dinner. Castiel avoided looking up at the giant cross over the doorway and headed to the bathroom to wash up before coming back down. His uncle placed the chicken casserole on the table right as he came back into the room._

_“Hello, Castiel,” Zachariah said formally. “How was your first day at work?”_

_“It was good, thank you. How was your day?” Castiel  sat at the opposite end of the long formal dining room table, placing his cloth napkin in his lap before serving himself some food._

_“Doing God’s work, Castiel, so my day was splendid.”_

_They ate in silence, interspersed with his uncle’s gossip from the town. It was the same dinner they’d had every Monday night since he started living with his uncle at the age of five. Everything followed a strict set of rules in the Novak household. It was one of the reasons he had been so desperate to get out of the house and off to college. His uncle hated children, so he simply decided to treat Castiel like an adult and expected him to act as such._

_Once he was done with dishes, he sat down to watch Jeopardy with his uncle before he was finally able to retreat to the sanctuary of his room. He climbed onto his bed and pulled his headphones on, sliding his new John Mayer CD into his walkman. He didn’t dare play any music his uncle could hear that wasn_ _’t Contemporary Christian._

 _He closed his eyes and thought about the lifeguard again. He wasn’t really ripped, not like a gym rat, but he was the kind of lean you got from manual labor. Castiel flexed his biceps on either side, feeling grateful he decided to bike everywhere in the city. He’d really wanted a car but couldn’t justify buying one. He wondered why the guy had winked at him_ _—_ _that had seemed a bit odd. Was that flirting or did he just wink at everyone? Castiel couldn’t wink…as Anna had informed him several times, he just ended up doing a slow blink._

_He tried to think about his book from earlier to distract himself. When that didn’t work he pulled out an old textbook and started flipping through the pages, but that failed as well. His mind kept drifting back to Mr. Cool Guy. The way his red trunks hung low on his hips, and the strong bowed legs. He knew it was a sin to think of a guy that way. He knew he shouldn’t, but a pair of breasts never made him as hard as he was thinking of this guy’s broad shoulders. He let his mind wander along with his hand under the waistband of his briefs. He figured thinking about it couldn’t be a sin, so long as he didn’t act on it._

_With that justification, he rolled his erection in his hand, feeling the warm weight of it. He took his time imagining his hands were really Mr. Cool Guy making him come undone. He bit his lip to hold back a whimper that wanted to escape as his hips bucked up into his hand. He came on a silent cry, imagining the weight of a firm body pressed against him._

_He panted, catching his breath. Holding his softening cock, he felt sad and weary now. Rubbing one out had only served to solidify his sinful nature, yet another nail in his coffin for his immortal soul. The older he got, however, the less and less he began to care about that. How much was an immortal soul worth anyway, when compared with the chance to actually feel someone like that lifeguard in the flesh? He was starting to think he’d make a deal with the devil to bring that about, and unfortunately for him, that was what it would likely take._

__


	2. Chapter 2

_ ~~~~~  _ **_June, 2002_ ** _ ~~~~~ _

_ Dean was really starting to think that he needed a better place to stay than the back of the Impala. It worked well in a pinch, but he had a little money now, and he wondered if he could find something cheap to rent for the rest of the summer. He still wasn’t sure what he was doing in this small New England town. He never fought with his dad before, at least nothing like this. His dad’s words echoed in his head _ _ — _ _ about taking some time to think about if he was really committed to the job. How could he even doubt Dean’s commitment at this point? Hadn’t he given his dad, and this job, everything? He figured a little break wasn’t a bad idea. After he took care of the haunting in the neighboring town, he’d seen a sign up for a lifeguard position for the summer. It wouldn’t pay great but it was steady work, and hell, if he could save people from monsters…what was a little water? _

_ His skin was pretty burnt from the first week _ _ — _ _ he wasn’t exactly used to needing sunscreen. But his burn had turned into a tan now and he couldn’t stop looking at the color, his freckles standing out more than ever. Luckily the town beach had some showers and a changing area, plus he’d found a place to park the Impala near the woods where no one would see her. Realistically he could save the money and sleep in the car for the summer, but his back gave a pinch of pain as he climbed the lifeguard chair that morning. _

_ It was a quiet town, and he liked watching all the different people coming to the beach. He wondered what it was like to live a life like that. Where your biggest worry was if you’d get a sunburn or not. These people didn’t know how good they had it. The beach didn’t have very many people his own age, mostly filled with parents and young kids. There were more than a few moms who had been making flirty eyes at him and even one dad who gave him a few side glances. He enjoyed the attention, but he knew better than to mess around with any of them. Last thing he needed was an angry spouse chasing him out of town. _

_ Late afternoon was always the worst time of day, when the sun got low in the sky and made it hard for him to see. This particular afternoon he was getting incredibly restless. His stomach gave a growl and he wiped the sweat from his brow before checking his watch and blowing a whistle for everyone to get out of the water. He hopped down off the chair, stretching his sore limbs, and thought of the stale bag of chips he had in his car. He was running low on food, but funds were also low and he didn’t want to blow through what he had till he got paid the next day. _

_ He glanced up and caught the eyes of the kid at the ice cream counter. He’d obviously been staring at Dean, and he flushed red, ducking his head back down to his book, eyes fixed to the page. The guy was quiet and didn’t seem to say much. When he wasn’t serving ice cream or had his nose in a book, he seemed to be watching Dean. Not that Dean minded another admirer… A thought occurred to him that maybe this could work to his advantage. _

_ He strolled up to the counter and plastered on his best, megawatt smile at the kid. He watched as the kid fumbled with his book and snapped it shut, tucking it under the counter. Dean placed his elbows on the counter, leaning over and tipping his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose to examine the list of flavors. _

_ “Sure got a lot of options,” Dean commented, not taking his eyes off the list. So what if he arched his back a little and bit at his lower lip in concentration? _

_ “Can I get you something?” The voice was surprisingly deep and Dean glanced over at the kid. He wondered how old he was. His frame was light but muscled, and he had the barest trace of stubble across his face. Broad shoulders seemed like they might still fill out were accompanied by thick, muscular thighs, probably from riding his bike everywhere. _

_ “Nah, I’m just window shopping. All outta cash. I’m Dean, by the way _ _ — _ _ don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.” He leaned over, stretching out a hand.He watched the guy lick his lips before grasping it and giving it a vigorous shake.  _

_ “I’m Castiel.” He gave Dean a nervous grin and yup, he was hooked. Women were almost always a guarantee, but guys were a gamble. _

_ “Well alright, Cas it is. What ya reading?” He gestured to the book and enjoyed watching Cas shift his feet and grip the paperback he’d stashed under the counter, pulling it out for Dean. He read the cover and smiled. “ _ Fahrenheit 451 _ , huh? Great book _ _ — _ _ I’ve read it a few times.” He smiled and handed the book back. Castiel silently took it and stashed it back under the counter.  _

_ He watched him for a second and when it was obvious he wasn’t going to say anything, he smiled and stood up straight. “You’re not very chatty, are you Cas?” _

_ “I, uh _ _ — _ _ ” he stumbled, and Dean gave a soft laugh. _

_ “No worries, kid, I’m not here to interrogate you.” Though, Dean knew with his job sometimes he came off that way. “How old are you, anyway?” That question seemed to take the kid by surprise almost as much as Dean himself. _

_ “Twenty just last month. And you?” _

_ “I’m an old geezer at twenty-three. Can’t you see all those grey hairs coming in?” Dean teased, tilting his head. _

_ “All I see is gorgeous, golden brown hair.” The kid smacked a hand over his mouth as soon as the words were out and Dean struggled to contain his smile. _

_ “I think it’s getting a little bleached out in the sun. Pretty soon I’ll look like one of those douchebags with frosted tips.” He smirked. _

_ Castiel put his hand down and gave a small closed-lip smile. “As long as you don’t start flipping your collar up, I think you can avoid douchebag status,” Castiel replied with a snort. _

_ “Good to know, Cas. Well, I think I will take myself and my grumbling stomach back to my lonely chair.” He gave a dramatic sigh, pulling the sunglasses off his face and biting down on one end. _

_ “Um, I could give you a small scoop if you want, since you’ve been out in the sun so long,” Castiel said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and staring at the floor. _

_ “Really? You don’t have to put yourself out, wouldn’t want you to get in trouble handing out free ice creams.” He was laying it on a little thick, but he really did want that ice cream. _

_ “It’s no big deal. What flavor do you want?” Castiel grabbed a scooper, showing his readiness to follow through on his offer.  _

_ “Strawberry, if you're sure it’s okay,” Dean added, leaning his elbows back on the counter and staring up at those wide blue eyes. How did he not notice how blue they were before? _

_ “I told you it was fine and it is,” Castiel added with a bit more confidence.  _

_ Dean watched as Castiel leaned over the open freezer, stretching to scoop the ice cream out. Dean swallowed hard, getting a good look at a very tight ass stretching his khaki shorts. His mind wandered, and he imagined gripping those hips and pressing himself against that tight hard muscle. He wanted to run his hands through that perfectly combed hair and ruffle it up. Fuck, he needed to stop that train of thought right that second or he wouldn’t be able to hide his semi in his thin swimming trunks. _

_ “Here you go,” Castiel handed Dean his prize, and he took it gratefully. _

_ Just for kicks he stuck out his tongue and licked a long slow swipe up the ice cream, making a bit of a mess that he cleaned off with a few more swipes of his tongue. Castiel’s eyes tracked the movement like a cat stalking its prey. He managed to keep his cool, seemingly utterly oblivious to the effect he was having on Cas. _

_ “This is really good, Cas, thanks.” Dean smiled at him and got one in return, enjoying how Cas almost flushed as pink as his ice cream. _

_ “Anytime,” Castiel shrugged, and Dean threw him a wink before turning back to his chair. He wanted to stay and talk to Cas longer but he was only supposed to take a ten minute break. He climbed the lifeguard chair, careful not to drop his prize and blew his whistle for the swim to resume. He made a show of eating his ice cream, taking long slow licks and savoring it as best he could. It really was delicious, especially on a hot June day. _

_ He was pretty sure Castiel was watching him and he thought even a few of the moms as well, as he licked the drips of ice cream off his fingers. He turned his gaze back to Castiel as he sucked down his thumb and pulled it out with a slow pop. The two locked eyes for a moment and Dean gave him a small salute in thanks. Castiel returned the salute with a small wave and put his eyes back on his book. Dean felt a little bad for conning the guy out of an ice cream and thought he should think of a way to clear his conscience at some point. He knew he wanted to talk to him more, maybe catch him before he went home. That was likely a foolish thought though _ _ — _ _ Dean didn’t have friends and for good reason. He would just have to be careful not to let him get too close. With that thought his face dropped a little, and he kept his eyes on the water for the rest of the afternoon. _

 

~~~~~  **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

 

“Hello, Dean...”

Dean stared up at the outline of the man above him. In the twilight hours it was difficult to make him out, but he would know that figure anywhere. Castiel didn’t move to climb down, instead choosing to just stare at him.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Been a long time. I didn’t expect to see you here.” If that wasn’t the lamest thing to say. He really hadn’t expected to find Cas there, though. He was sure he would have high-tailed it out of this one-horse town years ago.

“I could say the same to you. Why are you here?” and that voice still sent a shiver down his spine.

“Got a case in the area. Sam is sleepin’ in the car. Just taking a stroll down memory lane, I guess. What about you?”

Castiel seemed to size him up a moment before replying, “Just here to sell my uncle’s house. He passed away last week.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I’m not,” Castiel retorted.

“Bit harsh, but I guess he was kinda a jerk. Hopefully he doesn’t come back to haunt my ass,” Dean shrugged. Who was he to judge?

“I had him cremated so I took precautions,” Castiel replied stiffly.

“Geez, Cas, I was only kidding, but I guess better safe than sorry.” He shook his head, watching the other man’s face. “You gonna stay up there all night or come down here?”

“Haven’t decided yet,” Cas replied, eyes staring out at the dark waters.

“Anything I can do to help you make up your mind?” Dean offered, watching the other man warily.

Castiel was silent for a moment and Dean swore he could see the gears turning. “Tell me… how long are you staying this time?”

Dean grimaced a little, drawing a circle in the sand with the toe of his boot. “At least till the case is finished, so another two weeks probably.”

“And after that?” Castiel turned to look down at him again and he felt all of two feet small.

He gave a small shrug, unsure of what answer Cas was looking for. “I don’t know, probably onto another case.”

Castiel let out a sigh and turning, he slowly descended the steps on the chair, coming face to face with Dean. They just stared at each other a moment, each drinking in the changes in the other. It had only been three years and in some ways Castiel still seemed the young lovesick kid he met long ago. In other ways he seemed so much older — his five o’clock shadow was darker and there was  the beginning of tiny creases around his eyes. His frame was bigger too — he’d filled out into his body, looking far more a man than the last time Dean had seen him.

“You look good,” Dean tried for a smile, but  Castiel’s face dropped a little.

“You look exactly the same,” he replied, voice a bit smaller than before, now he was on the ground. Castiel’s eyes were still raking over him, looking softer by the minute.

“I dunno, at least my hair isn’t bleached out this time, and got a few more scars than last time you saw me.” He immediately cringed when Castiel’s face fell into a look of pity. “Hey, nothing I couldn’t handle. So uh, how long you in town for?” he quickly moved to change the subject.

“At least another few weeks to finish packing up the house. I think it will sell quick.” Castiel bit his lower lip and averted his eyes down to his shoes. “I’m glad you’re okay. I’ve always worried about you.”

Dean felt a flush creep up his cheeks. The idea of anyone worrying over him felt strange. “You know me, I’m indestructible…like a cockroach. Or Keith Richards.” This made Castiel laugh, and if that wasn’t music to his ears after all this time.

“Well, if there’s ever a nuclear apocalypse I’ll know who to use as my shield.” 

Dean basked in the bright smile Castiel gave him. “Can I buy you dinner, tomorrow maybe?”

“I dunno,” Cas hesitated.

“We could go to Babico’s and you can get one of those burgers you like so much.” Dean wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but he knew he had to see him again.

“I guess a burger couldn’t hurt. Seven work for you?”

“I’ll be there.” Dean smiled at Cas and while the other man smiled back, it was tinged with sadness behind his eyes. “I, uh, better get back before Sammy wakes up. We have a rental cabin just down the street — cabin C if you ever wanna swing by or something.”

“Alright,” Castiel replied again, his eyes staring at the sand.

“Have a good night, Cas.” It was a dumb thing to say and it didn’t cover half of what he owed the guy, but it was all he could think of.

“Good night, Dean,” Cas replied with a nod and managed a small smile. 

Dean turned and headed back up the sandy hill. Sam was still fast asleep in the passenger side of the Impala, drooling on the window. Dean made a point of slamming the car door when he got inside, watching Sam jump and look around with blurry eyes.

“Dean? Where are we?”

“We made it to Stow. Just heading to that cabin down the street, I just wanted to make a pit-stop.”

“There’s no gas station here.” Sam peered around. “There’s no anything here?”

“Don’t worry about it, and stop drooling on my baby. It’s only five minutes to the cabin.”

Sam grumbled something about not drooling and closed his eyes again, forehead on the glass of the window. Dean looked in the rear view mirror and watched the lake disappear from view. He wanted to smack himself — he’d obviously lost his mind in the heat of the moment, inviting Castiel to dinner. Part of him vibrated with excitement at the idea of reuniting with Cas, while the other, more rational side, knew nothing good could come from it. He was on a case and shouldn’t let himself get distracted. Still, it was at least a week till the full moon and no harm in a dinner out — a guy had to eat, right? He decided to pack that worry away,  determined not to dream that night of dark hair and blue eyes. 


	3. Chapter 3

~~~~~ **July, 2002** ~~~~~~

_Castiel’s minor infatuation was turning into a full blown crush as summer got into full swing. Dean stopped by the ice cream stand at least once a day and each time, he bat those lashes at Castiel and he forked over a free ice cream. He figured it was no big deal, he sold so many and Gabe made a killing on them. Plus, he’d pay Gabe back for every single one of them just for the chance to watch Dean smile when he got them, though he was pretty sure he’d watch Dean do just about anything._

_He made a point each evening to wait for Dean to leave, his bow legs striding past him. Dean always turned and gave him a smile and wink before he headed out for the day. He hadn’t seen Dean wink at anyone else in weeks, and that had to mean something, right? He kept wanting to get up the courage to ask Dean to hang out, but he was sure a cool guy like Dean had much better things to do than hang out with a nerd like Castiel. Then again, every so often he saw a touch of sadness in Dean’s eyes, hidden just behind the smile. He wondered what caused it to be there. He wanted to know everything there was to know about Dean, but he would likely never get the chance ‘cause he was too chicken shit to hang out with the guy. Maybe it was all for the best_ _—_ _he couldn’t trust himself if left alone with Dean._

_His uncle’s church sermon was rattling around in his head, about the sins of the country and all the false religions out there growing like weeds. Uncle Zach had a strong hatred for the new Unitarian church down the street that had pulled in a good number of his parishioners. That hatred only doubled when they painted a rainbow on their sign and claimed to be all-inclusive. Castiel thought he liked the sound of that, but didn’t dare voice that opinion at home and risk the wrath of his uncle. He only had one more year before his parents’ trust was in his control and then he didn’t have to listen to any more hate-filled sermons, or be subjected to his uncle’s rule. He’d been a good soldier for long enough, he didn’t have to hold out much longer._

_He fiddled with the radio again, trying to get at least one station to come in clearly. It was a hot day out and he felt the sweat running down his back. He’d put on a pair of blue swim trunks and a grey  t-shirt, thinking maybe he’d jump in the lake later._

_“You need a hand?” Castiel jumped a little, looking up to see Dean leaning against the counter of the stand watching him wrestle with the radio._

_“It doesn’t work,” he mumbled, drawing in his lips in concentration and giving the antenna a hard yank._

_“Easy does it, you’re gonna break it! Give it here,” Dean chided, and Castiel relinquished the cursed object over to him. Dean turned it around in his hands a few times before popping the back off. Castiel watched in fascination as Dean began pulling at the guts in the back of the radio. Castiel had to serve a few people ice creams, but he watched Dean work out of the corner of his eye. His skin was a darker tan every day, and it made the faint scars on his arm and back more visible. He wondered how on earth someone got so many scars. When he finished he turned to see Dean snapping the back together and turning it on._

_The raspy voice of Nelly Furtado came through_ _—_ _”It's getting so lonely inside this bed,_ _  
_ _Don't know if I should lick my wounds or say woe is me instead.”_

_“You fixed it!” Castiel  exclaimed, smiling down at the clear sound coming out._

_“Yeah, but I didn’t fix it to play a pop station.” Dean reached over, playing with the dial a moment until Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” came on. He gave a nod of approval and Castiel kept his mouth shut about kinda liking that first song too_ _—_ _it was catchy._

_“Thanks, that was nice of you.” He struggled to think of something else to say, something to capture Dean’s attention, but as usual he was at a loss for words._

_“Least I can do, with all those ice creams you’ve been sneaking me.” Dean gave Cas a different, more genuine smile than he’d seen before and he swallowed hard, wondering what his lips would feel like._

_“You don’t owe me anything, it’s not customary to repay a gift.” He shrugged and Dean chuckled, but Cas didn’t know why._

_“You're a weird dude, you know that?” Dean shook his head and Castiel felt his heart plummet into his stomach like a stone._

_“I have been told that I am of an_ _—_ _unusual disposition,” he replied, although his mouth was suddenly dry._

_“Do you always talk like that?” Dean narrowed his eyes a little._

_“I suppose. Why, is it wrong?” Castiel suddenly flashed back to all the taunting of the kids at his elementary school. He learned early on to keep his thoughts to himself or risk the ridicule. That was his tactic till he outgrew most of the kids in his class any way, but by then the habit stuck._

_“No, I like it. Lucky for you I am in the business of weird.” Dean stood up straight, giving him a once over that made him feel strangely naked._

_“Business of weird?” He tilted his head, wondering what on earth that meant._

_“You want to grab a bite to eat after work? There’s a diner next town over that makes a mean burger.”_

_Castiel’s tongue sat heavy in his mouth. “Um, I don’t have a car.”_

_“That’s okay, I do. Come on, let me buy you a burger.” Dean smiled at him, sitting his sunglasses back on his face, covering those striking green eyes._

_“Well, uh, yeah, I guess I can let my uncle know I won’t be home for dinner.”_

_“Nice. Well, better get back to my post so the good people of this town can swim in safety.” Dean gave him a half-hearted salute and did a light jog back to his lifeguard chair. Castiel heard the whistle blow and the screams of kids as they ran full tilt toward the cool water._

_He fidgeted nervously the whole afternoon, listening to the eighties station he landed on, playing everything from Styx to Prince._ It’s just a burger _, he told  himself over and over again. Just two friends hanging out, just like him and Anna used to do in the summer. But it didn’t feel like that_ _—_ _it felt like something more. By the time Dean blew the whistle to signal the end of the day, Castiel was worked up into a ball of nerves._

_Castiel used the landline to call and leave a message at the house, telling his uncle he wouldn’t be home for dinner. He knew he would get interrogated on it later but there was no avoiding it. He cleaned up the shop and closed all the doors, making notes of the flavors they were running low on. He was locking the door to the shop when someone yelled “Boo!” right behind him, and he jumped about a mile. He turned to see Dean laughing, his eyes shining with mirth._

_“That was too easy. Come on, I parked over by the far end of the lot.” Dean put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and the touch felt like fire, a spark of electricity, even with the barrier of his shirt between them. He could only nod and follow Dean’s retreating form up the hill._

_“This is your car?” His jaw dropped as he looked at the sleek curves and shiny black paint._

_Dean’s smile was so broad and genuine when he patted the top of the car lovingly. “Yeah, this is my girl. Beauty, ain’t she?”_

_Castiel should have known someone as cool as Dean wouldn’t be driving a Corolla. “She’s gorgeous! A sixty-seven?” Castiel asked, staring at the shine of the chrome while Dean walked around to the other side, pulling  out a bag from the back and started digging through it._

_“Yeah. You know cars?” Dean sounded impressed as he pulled out a pair of cotton shorts._

_Castiel was about to reply when he glanced up to see Dean, back turned, pulling down his red swim trunks. The car blocked most of his view but he caught the sight of pale skin and round perfect ass._

_“Alright over there, Cas?” Dean asked as he pulled on a pair of boxers followed by his shorts, then turned back around._

_Cas was trying to control his breathing as his heart hammered in his chest. His suddenly dry tongue dragged nervously across his lips. He turned his face to the side, nodding. He swore Dean had a shit eating grin on his face but he couldn’t be sure since he was now staring down at the car. “I didn’t bring shorts,” Castiel said, clearing his throat and glancing up to see Dean pulling on a Beatles  t-shirt._

_“No worries, man, they won’t care where we’re going.” He opened the door, sliding into the front seat and Castiel followed, sliding into the passenger side. He felt the warm leather against his hand and tried to focus on steadying his breathing._

_“I don’t know a lot about cars,” Castiel managed to say as the roar of the engine started vibrating through his whole body. “But my neighbor growing up loved muscle cars and he taught me a little.”_

_Dean nodded approval, turning on the radio just as “Stuck in the Middle With You” came on. Castiel smiled as Dean turned it up a little, windows rolled down and headed out down the dirt road. They passed the soccer field, empty in the low afternoon light. Castiel couldn’t help but stick his arm out the window and fly his hand up and down, feeling the push and pull of the wind._

_Dean began singing to the song and Castiel, starting to relax, joined in with him. “Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you, And I'm wondering what it is I should do, It's so hard to keep this smile from my face, Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place, Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you…”_

_Dean’s voice went all high and he really started to belt it out when he got to the pleading lines, “Well you started out with nothing, And you're proud that you're a self made man, And your friends, they all come crawlin’, slap you on the back and say, Please, pleeeeease…”_

_Castiel laughed as Dean hammed it up, singing comically off-key, and felt tears coming to his eyes as he tried to catch his breath. He watched Dean’s fingers as they tapped on the steering wheel, his head bobbing and elbow hanging out the open window. The warm air swirled in around the cab of the car and Castiel couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt such a rush. Just being around Dean made his heart race with anticipation of the unknown._

_They reached the neighboring town of Maynard and passed the Fine Arts movie theater before pulling in behind the Babico Cafe sign. The place had the old fifties dinner look to it, decorated with neon pink and teal, a row of silver cushioned stools by the main counter, and booths lining the opposite wall. Dean and Cas slid into the booth at the far end of the diner and grabbed the slightly sticky menus, covered in brightly-colored pictures of all the food options._

_“I’m getting extra bacon, all the bacon.” Dean eyed the menu hungrily and Castiel wondered how often he ate. He’d only ever seen him with a bag of chips and the ice creams he fed him._

_“Wonder if they have any Caesar salad,” Castiel mused and Dean leaned forward, slapping the menu against the table._

_“Nuh uh, I am not treating you to anything that includes lettuce. In fact, nothing green allowed.” He nodded, as if that decided it, and pulled the menu back up as the waitress came over._

_“Hi boys, I’m Sheryl. You ready to order?”_

_“I’ll have the bacon burger with extra bacon, a coke, and a strawberry milkshake,” Dean smiled at the woman, who gave him a bit of a flustered look as she took the menu. Castiel really couldn’t blame her though, Dean just seemed to have that effect on people._

_“Um, I’ll have the same as him, but with a root beer and vanilla milkshake.” He figured what the hell, he so rarely indulged and Dean had outlawed greens from the meal._

_“Coming right up, cuties.” She turned and headed to put their order in._

_“So Cas, tell me ‘bout yourself?” Dean leaned in across the table, chin resting in the palm of his hand, elbow on the table._

_Castiel told him about his best friend Anna and how she was in school out West. He told him about college and Dean asked what classes he was taking and what the dorms were like. He seemed really interested in what college life was like._

_Dean leaned back as the food arrived, looking at the burger with wide eyes he gathered it up in his hands and sunk  his teeth into it with delight. Castiel copied him, and it was greasy perfection._

_“So, you go to any wild college parties?” Dean grinned, dunking his fry into Castiel’s ketchup._

_“A few. I mean, my roommate Balthazar dragged me to a few.” He shrugged, thinking how lame he sounded._

_“I bet Sammy is too focused on school to party either,” Dean commented._

_“Who is Sam?” Castiel asked taking a sip of his milkshake and reveling in the creamy texture._

_“My little brother. He just finished his first year at Stanford. Real smart…that kid.” Dean smiled fondly for a moment, but Castiel saw a bit of sadness in the look too._

_“You two close?”_

_Dean coughed a moment and dusted the salt off his finger tips. “Yeah, I mean we were, before he left for school anyway.” Dean took a long pull from his milkshake and ended up squinting his eyes in pain. “Brain freeze,” he grumbled._

_Castiel chuckled, “Press your tongue to the roof of your mouth_ _—_ _that helps.”_

_Dean looked at him skeptically, but did as he suggested and immediately blinked his eyes in relief._

_“Good trick, man. So what about you, any siblings?”_

_“Oh no, I have a cousin Gabriel who lives around here but he’s older than me. No, it’s just me and my uncle.”_

_“Parents?” Dean asked a little more cautiously, like he knew he was heading toward dangerous territory._

_“Gone now_ _—_ _car accident when I was little. I’ve mostly been raised by my uncle.”_

_Dean’s face slumped a little. “Sorry man, my uh, mom died when I was young too.”_

_They both sat quietly for a moment staring at their melting milkshakes._

_“Your dad?” Castiel asked, glancing up._

_“He raised Sammy and I. He’s a tough guy but a real hero.” Dean got that same sad smile on his face._

_“Where is he now?”_

_“Working, I’m not actually sure where. We moved around a lot for my dad’s work, practically grew up in the back seat of the Impala. We worked together till a few months ago, I decided to take a break.”_

_Castiel thought there was more to that story but decided not to push._

_“So that’s why you took the lifeguard job?”_

_“Yeah, I just needed to stand still for a moment and get my head in the game, you know?” Dean began to rub at the back of his neck. Castiel had about a hundred more questions, but the waitress came and Dean slapped some cash down on the table and they both headed out to car. He thought about what Dean had said, moving around and never really putting down roots anywhere. It didn’t sound like Dean had seen his brother or his dad in a long time and he began to think that maybe Dean was more lonely than he wanted to let on._

_Dean seemed more reserved as they drove back toward the lake, and Castiel leaned forward, turning on the radio. It was still on a classic rock station and “American Pie” came on. Castiel knew every word. Clearing his throat he started singing._

_“Long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile. Come on,” Castiel nudged Dean and he smiled, lightening, and joined in, “and I knew if I had my chance that I could make those people dance and maybe they’d be happy for a while.”_

_A few more miles down the road and they were both smiling and singing, the weight seeming to lift off both their shoulders. “Bye, bye miss American pie, drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry, and good ole’ boys were drinking whiskey and rye singing this’ll be the day that I die… This’ll be the day that I die!”_  


~~~~~ **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

 

Castiel pulled the visor down in his car and gave himself a quick inspection. He had his hair neatly parted to the side, though a few strands seemed to have a life of their own. He felt sick to his stomach as he stared at the door to Babico’s. The black beast of Dean’s car was parked right next to him, and she was just as he remembered her. He slid out of his car and couldn’t help but run a hand over the smooth lines, metal still warm from the day’s sun.

He couldn’t put off going inside any longer. He stepped in and saw Dean hunched over in the far back booth. The same one they always used to sit at. He felt a bit like a prisoner walking to the noose, knowing every moment spent with Dean would only add to his pain. Still, when Dean glanced up and saw him, face breaking into a small shy smile, he couldn’t help but soften a little.

“Hello, Dean.” He slid into the opposite side and clutched at a menu just to have something to do with his hands. The Killers were singing about Mr. Brightside and Castiel couldn’t begin to make out the fast paced lyrics.

“Hey Cas. I’m glad you came out.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t show?”

Dean shrugged, “I wouldn’t have blamed you.”

“I’m not angry, Dean. I wasn’t then and I’m not now.” That was an honest answer, he’d never been mad, though it would have been an easier emotion than heartbroken.

“Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better,” Dean sighed, picking up his menu.

“Me either.” Castiel offered him a small, tight-lipped smile and Dean seemed to relax a fraction. “So you said you and Sam are working a case?”

“Uh yeah, some unusual deaths in the area. Figure we could stake it out for a few days.” Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Castiel knew he never liked sharing that world with him.

“Mind if I ask why Sam is with you? I thought he got out of the life?”

Dean began chewing at his bottom lip now and stared through the menu hard enough to set that damn thing on fire. Castiel leaned over, placing his hand on Dean’s arm and giving a gentle, reassuring squeeze. Green eyes darted up to his and still made Castiel feel weak-kneed, like those eyes could see through him. Whatever they saw seemed to relax Dean a fraction and he flopped the menu down.

“He was, till a few weeks ago. It’s kinda a long story though.” Dean looked at Castiel, hopeful now.

“I have time,” he answered as the waitress came over. “We’ll both have the bacon burger extra bacon, coke, root beer, and a strawberry and a vanilla milkshake please.” Castiel smiled up at the waitress, handing her the menus, which she quickly tucked under her arm, finishing her note and heading off to the kitchen. Dean was flushed a pretty shade of pink that Castiel didn’t understand.

“I get all tingly when you take control like that,” Dean teased in a whisper, wiggling his eyebrow. Castiel smiled at seeing a bit of the old Dean he knew and loved shining through. Still, it didn’t last long before his face dropped and he let out a long sigh. “So my, uh, dad is missing. I didn’t think much of it at first, as you know we don’t always check in everyday but I got worried when he wasn’t answering any of my calls. I tried to call around but no one had seen him. Last place he’d been wasn’t all that far from Sammy and I thought having some back up would be good. If there was something bad enough to take out Dad then I wanted Sam there to cover me.

“He came with me of course. I shouldn’t have been surprised but after all that time I wasn’t sure if he was still the Sam I knew from before. Anyway, we ended up on a case, which we solved…but couldn’t find Dad.” Dean stopped when the waitress dropped off drinks and took a sip of soda before continuing. “Sam had a girlfriend, Jessica, and the uh, the demon, he killed her. Burned her up. I barely got Sam outta there in time. Fucking history repeating, you know?” Dean gave a sad bark of laughter and turned the glass in his hands.

“I’m so sorry, Dean, really.” Castiel felt the weight in his chest like a vice.

“So Sam left school and decided to come with me to find Dad. I think he cares more about killing the demon than finding Dad but at least we’re together again… I really missed him.”

Castiel knew how hard that was for Dean to admit. “So you still don’t know where your dad is?”

Dean shook his head. “Nah, but he keeps leaving what look like clues at each hunt we work, either a location or a phone number, something. On our last hunt we found the newspaper article in his old motel room talking about the deaths up here. So here we are. I think he must be close to catching the demon or he wouldn’t be keeping us at arms length, you know?”

Castiel nodded and sat back as the food came. They ate in silence as Castiel chewed over what Dean had told him. Yet again it seemed like John was chasing down his vendetta without a second thought for his boys and what it did to them. He held back his feelings on the subject and really looked at Dean. He looked at the two day stubble on his face, the purple shadows under his green eyes. He looked at the wrinkles in his shirt, likely from sleeping in his clothes.

“How is Sam holding up?” Castiel twirled his straw in his milkshake.

Dean shrugged a little. “How you think, he watched the woman he loves burn to death on the ceiling just like our mom… He’s strong, stronger than me, so he’s getting by.”

“You’re one of the strongest people I know, Dean. I’m sure he got the trait from his big brother,” Cas gave Dean a smile, which the other man returned.

The waitress dropped off the check and they both shuffled out of the booth. They walked shoulder to shoulder out to the parking lot by their cars. His eyes immediately tracked to Dean’s baby.

“Still can’t believe that movie theater stays open,” Dean added, looking over the lit-up movie billboards across the street.

“Yeah, I thought the new big cinema in Marlboro would have put them out of business. I’m glad they’re still here though.” Castiel thought about the night he and Dean saw an _Indiana Jones_ marathon there one especially hot summer day. He’d been thoroughly grossed out with his choice in licorice for movie food when clearly goobers were superior.

“Things haven’t really changed, for me I mean… but I’d like to see you again, while I’m here. If you want to?” Dean sounded nervous and had his hands sunk into the pockets of his jeans.

Castiel hesitated only a moment before giving Dean the only answer he could. “Yeah, okay.”

Dean grinned a little and Castiel returned it. They both parted, heading for their respective cars, and Castiel thought letting him go this time was going to be even harder than before.


	4. Chapter 4

~~~~~  **July, 2002** ~~~~~~

_ Dean had never met anyone like Castiel before. As shy as he first came off, Castiel was really very blunt and funny once he came out of his shell. Dean never really had time in his life to make friends. As they traveled from one hunt to another his only company had been Sammy. He’d felt like there was a hole carved out of his chest since Sam left, and for the first time in over a year he felt the pain of it easing a little. He hung out with Castiel most evenings when their shifts were over, talking about movies or listening to music. Sometimes they just laid out on the beach, talking. Dean still managed to avoid going into the details of his profession _ _ — _ _ he didn’t want to weigh Castiel down with the dirty truth of the world. They went to the movies once a week normally just to enjoy the air conditioning. Living out of his car was getting more and more uncomfortable, but it was made more bearable by having someone to distract him in the evening hours. _

_ All this would be okay, except…except how Castiel was making Dean feel. He’d never been attracted to a guy before. He’d admit he liked Dr. Sexy...well, a lot, but still he’d never wanted to act on it. He loved women, the curves of their bodies, full lips and soft skin. But with Cas...with Cas he couldn’t stop staring at the lean muscle, the narrow hips and curve of his shoulders. He loved the way his dark hair had lightened in the summer sun, and the contrast of his blue eyes and thick lashes against the harsh, strong lines of his jaw. _

_ He couldn’t seem to stop touching Castiel, either. Sitting on the picnic table so that their thighs were pressed against each other. Reaching out a hand to brush Castiel’s hair back from his face. Brushing his hand over the nape of his neck to swat away a fly that wasn’t there. Every small touch just made Dean crave more. He thought maybe he was more touch-starved than he’d like to admit, and Castiel’s warm sun-kissed skin was drawing him in. Every day it escalated just a little, a hand to Castiel’s lower back as they entered the diner, or leaning over in his seat and falling asleep on his shoulder in the movie theater. _

_ He kept waiting, waiting for Castiel to pull away or push him away. To look at Dean in disgust or discomfort. He watched his face, studied it for any sign that he wanted Dean, or that he didn’t. Castiel’s face was unreadable at best. He never pulled away from the touches, and sometimes Dean even thought he relaxed into them. He never initiated them, though he had seen Castiel lean a little or move his hand an inch closer on the leather seat of his baby, he never seemed able to close the distance. He wondered if maybe it was all in his head. Likely Castiel didn’t feel attracted to Dean but was just enjoying hanging out. Dean knew there weren’t many people in this small town to hang out with _ _ — _ _ Castiel was probably just killing time with him. _

_ On one especially hot day, the air was thick and suffocating at the beach. Castiel looked miserably hot as he scooped another ice cream, arms flexing as he balanced the mint chip on the cone for the excited gaggle of children.  _

_ Dean blew his whistle for the end of the day and the parents and Castiel all seem relieved. He would be too if he was going home to a nice air-conditioned house. _

_ Castiel waited for him, leaning against the side of the ice cream stand, one foot against the wall and head tipped back. Dean took a selfish moment just to stare at him, at the truly beautiful lines of his body. There was no denying Dean wanted him, his cock half hard in his swim trunks. He hoped Castiel wouldn’t notice, and held his shirt bunched up in his hands to hide his arousal. _

_ “Hey there, sunshine,” Dean smiled and Castiel looked at him with a bit of a frown. _

_ “It’s too damn hot to be that perky,” Castiel grumbled, and Dean thought it was just this side of adorable. _

_ “Well, my best feature is my perky nipples.” Dean wiggled his eyebrows and Castiel barked out a laugh. _

_ “You think you’re pretty hot stuff, huh cool guy?” Castiel teased. _

_ “I think I’m adorable,” Dean replied, when all he could think was “you’re adorable.”  _

_ “You’re not wrong there. So what are we going to do about this heat?” He turned his gaze to Dean, looking hopeful.  _

_ He couldn’t let Castiel down with a face like that, and an idea came to him. “Wait here a second, and if I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” He grinned and Castiel rolled his eyes as Dean darted for his car. _

_ “Did you just quote Ace Ventura?!” he yelled after him. Dean laughed over his shoulder, grabbing the towels from the back seat of his car and returning to Castiel. _

_ “Do you trust me?” Dean asked, tossing a towel at Castiel—who gave him a funny look and tilt of his head. _

_ “Yes, Aladdin, I trust you.” Both of them began to laugh as Dean led the way to a small path off the far side of the beach. To call it a path was being especially kind—he was pretty sure hardly anyone ever came this way and he was careful of the roots and rocks, even though he was used to moving quietly on bumpy terrain from hunting. He heard a gasp and shuffling sound before he turned and caught an armful of Castiel. _

_ “Easy there! You okay?” Dean asked, helping Castiel right himself and not wanting to let him go. _

_ “Sorry, that root came out of nowhere.” Castiel steadied himself and gave a thumbs up. _

_ “Yeah, I’m sure the tree was just plotting against you,” Dean chuckled. As he moved through the woods he finally saw the rock he’d been looking for. He’d found this spot a week ago when looking for a better place to possibly set up a tent. _

_ Dean tossed his towel down and kicked off his shoes, tugging down the rope from the tree that hung over the embankment. It wasn’t that far down to the lake below _ _ — _ _ maybe ten feet. _

_ “What are you doing?” Castiel asked, sounding just a bit nervous. _

_ “Jumping off this rock,” Dean replied, giving the rope a strong tug, making sure it was secured. _

_ “You know, odds are you’re gonna break your neck.” _

_ Dean smirked. “Never tell me the odds,” he said, before leaping off the rock. He soared through the air, clinging to the rope for a just a few glorious seconds before he let go and plummeted into the water with a great splash. He sank like a stone for a second, letting the dark water envelop him. Slowly, he let the bubbles out of his lungs and surged up to the surface, gasping in a great big breath. He blinked the water from his lashes and looked up at Castiel peering over the edge, one hand firmly on the tree by the rock. _

_ “Come on Cas! The water feels great,” he yelled up with a smile. _

_ Castiel shuffled nervously, looking over the edge. Long fingers reached out and pulled the rope into him. Dean waited, treading in the water. He admired Castiel’s firm body standing on the precipice of the rock, the sun lighting up his features as it sat low in the sky. Castiel stiffened his shoulders and seemed to make his peace with god before leaping off the edge. When Castiel soared through the air and let go of the rope, he stretched out both arms like wings, and Dean couldn’t help but think he looked like an angel before he crashed down into the water. _

_ Dean wiped the water from his eyes and looked around, but Castiel was nowhere to be seen. He felt a nervous twitch, glancing around in the murky water. He let out an undignified yelp as something gripped his ankle and yanked him under. Kicking wildly, he couldn’t dislodge the grip…but it soon let go, and he sputtered to the surface. With a whoosh of water, Castiel bobbed up next to him, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and proceeded to shake the water from his unruly mop of hair. _

_ “Nearly gave me a damn heart attack,” Dean grumbled, still smiling at Castiel, ‘cause how could he not? _

_ “Oh come on, you had to know it was me. What, did you think a lake monster got you?” Castiel chuckled. Dean had actually begun to think just that _ _ — _ _ he’d hunted one the summer he was twelve with his dad. _

_ “I knew it was you,” he mumbled. Waiting for his moment, he lunged at Cas, pushing him under water. They wrestled and dunked and splashed in the water. The cool lake felt amazing after a hot day in the sun. They crawled back up on the shore and jumped off the rope swing a few more times before they both settled to treading water and catching their breath. Somehow they’d ended up very close, legs occasionally banging together under the water. _

_ Dean watched as Castiel ran his fingers through his hair, brushing it out of his face. His eyes seemed so bright and striking in the afternoon light, like they became even more impossibly blue. He tried to pull his gaze away from the other man’s but then they just landed on his mouth. Holy fuck, what a gorgeous mouth it was. He wondered how those lips would feel against his _ _ — _ _ if they would be chilled by the water or still warm from the sun. _

_ “Dean?” Castiel’s voice brought him to his senses and he realized he was now only inches away from the guy. He’d never wanted to kiss someone so bad in his whole life. Not even Amanda Heckerling back in high school. How different could lips be? He inched a little closer into Castiel’s space, watching his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed nervously. _

_ “Cas, can I _ _ — _ _ can I try something?” he kept his voice low, unsure of how he wanted Castiel to answer that. _

_ “Um, try what?” Castiel’s voice was tight and his eyes focused on Dean’s lips now. Dean raised a hand out of the water and slowly ran his fingers around the back of Castiel’s neck. _

_ “I think you know what,” Dean answered, rubbing his thumb over Castiel’s jaw ever so gently. Yeah he wanted this, he wanted it bad and if that made him gay or bi he would deal with all that later. Right now all he cared about was getting to feel Castiel’s lips on his. _

_ “Dean _ _ — _ _ ” Castiel couldn’t seem to finish but he also couldn’t stop staring at his lips, and that had to be a good sign. Still, he needed to know, needed to be sure that Castiel  wanted it too. _

_ “Can I kiss you, Cas?” Their noses nearly touched now. The silence between them was deafening and Dean could feel his pulse rising in his ears, heart thumping in his chest. Castiel pushed forward and crashed into him, lips pressed together. He felt hands gripping his hips and closed his eyes, feeling the soft slide of skin against skin. He wanted to tangle up in Castiel and never let go, a feeling that was amplified when he felt the teasing of a tongue against his mouth, opening up to taste him. It was heady and overwhelming and nothing like any other kiss he’d ever felt before. His legs kicked frantically to keep himself above water, teeth teasing at Castiel’s lower lip until finally they both pulled apart, gasping for air. _

_ Castiel’s eyes were blown wide and looking more than a little terrified. Dean kicked and pulled till they were close enough to the edge and their feet could touch again, both panting and staring at each other, hands now intertwined under the water. _

_ “Are you okay?” Dean asked, worried by the shocked expression on Castiel’s face—his instinctive caregiver side kicking into overdrive. _

_ “I kissed you.” _

_ “Yes you did.” He smirked a little. _

_ “You’re a guy, and I kissed you.” Castiel shook his head a bit. _

_ “Yes and yes… is that okay?” he asked, not being a hundred percent sure of the answer himself. _

_ Castiel looked up into his eyes then. “I dunno… I want it to be.” _

_ Dean just nodded, thinking that was a less than reassuring answer if not an honest one. He moved back a bit, head drooping, thinking he’d read the signs wrong. Castiel obviously didn’t want him and was just trying not to hurt his feelings. It was a strange raw feeling. _

_ “Sorry, Cas, I won’t do that again.” Dean hoped he hadn’t ruined his first real friendship but it wouldn’t be surprising. No one ever stayed with Dean for long. _

_ “No, no, no, I want you to, I want to. I’m sorry I just... It’s a lot to take in is all.” Castiel moved toward him now, the water sloshing between them. _

_ “Are you sure? I mean I’ve never done anything like this, with a guy either, but it just feels right, you know?” Dean hoped and prayed Castiel felt the same way. _

_ “I know…maybe we can just go slow?” Castiel moved in close to Dean and he took the chance and wrapped his arms around him, pulling their bodies flush together. _

_ “Slow works for me,” Dean answered, reveling in the feel of Castiel’s body so close to his. “You wanna go get dried off?” _

_ Castiel nodded with a smile and they both slowly made their way out of the water. Dean offered his hand to Castiel to help him out of the water, and once he pulled him out Castiel kept their fingers laced as they made their way back up to their towels. They dried off and sat side by side on the rock with feet dangling off the edge, watching the sun as it finally set over the trees. Suddenly there was a loud pop and flash of light that broke the silence. _

_ They both looked up gasping at the fireworks bursting overhead. “It’s not the fourth of July,” Dean looked up at the lights in awe. _

_ Castiel smiled at the bright colorful lights screaming and bursting from the water. “It’s Mr. Anderson. He always goes overboard buying fireworks in New Hampshire, then sets them off whenever he feels like it out on his boat till the cops tell him to stop.” _

_ Dean smiled as he looked up at the lights, and felt Castiel lean his head on his shoulder, letting out a long sigh. This, right here must be how normal people feel. It felt pretty damn good, pretty damn good indeed. _   
  


~~~~~  **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

 

“What’s going on with you?” Sam slammed the book he was reading shut, swinging his legs off the bed and sitting to face Dean. His bitch face was firmly in place and Dean had to admit he’d missed seeing it.

“For the hundredth time, drop it, Sammy. There’s nothing going on,” Dean sighed, twirling his knife in his hand while poring over the local map. He had a red pen in the other hand and marked off where the attacks had been recorded so far.

“You’ve been shifty as hell ever since we got to Stow.” Sam obviously wasn’t dropping it.

“Do not refer to me as  _ shifty _ , not after St. Louis,” Dean grumbled and gave a little shiver at the thought of the shifter.

“You are deflecting, and if you’re not on your game, I should know about it.” Sam stood up off the tiny twin bed and sauntered over.

“It has nothing to do with the case, alright? I’m good,” Dean sighed, looking at the two distinct areas that seemed to be under attack. “I’m pretty confident at this point we are dealing with a werewolf, all the attacks lining up to the lunar cycle and the missing hearts.”

Sam glared at him before responding, “That’s a pretty spread-out area, and the full moon comes up at like four this afternoon.”

“I know, they seem to all either happen down at Lake Boon or over at the Delaney conservation land across town. I’m thinking maybe we should split up.” Dean hated to even suggest it—being separated from Sammy during a hunt was always added stress, but he couldn’t see a way around it.

“Okay, why don’t I take the conservation land and you take the lake since you seem to know it already?” Sam raised a challenging brow at him and he tried to ignore it.

“That works for me. We should head out in five, then.” He stood up, pocketing his knife and heading to the duffel to make sure they were both fully loaded on silver bullets.

“You can keep your secrets, Dean, but for the record, whatever it is, I won’t judge you.” Sam’s voice sounded tired now and a bit softer.

Dean chewed his lower lip a moment, wondering if he should spill the beans. It was bound to come up eventually one way or another. “My uh, my ex lives—I mean, lived in this town. I ran into them down at the beach that first night and that’s who I went to see last night.” He didn’t know why he had avoided the masculine pronouns. He wasn’t ashamed about having been with a guy, but he’d never really had the chance to mention it to Sam either.

“You dated someone? Like a relationship?” Sam scoffed, but the smile was spreading across his face.

“Don’t start, alright? Don’t make a thing out of this.” Dean loaded the magazine into his gun and gave it a once over.

“I’m not making a thing out of it.” Sam grabbed his own weapon, checking the bullets. “So who is she? Tell me about her.”

Dean froze a second, taking in a full deep breath. “His name’s Castiel.” He didn’t look at Sam but the silence was palpable in the air. He kept his breathing shallow, listening for Sam’s reply.

“That’s a cool name, it sounds biblical,” Sam replied coolly.

“Really?”

“What?”

“That’s all you gotta say? Did you miss the part where Castiel is a dude?” Dean threw his hands up, completely lost.

“No, I didn’t miss that it was a dude—a dude with a cool name. I meant what I said, Dean, I’m not gonna judge you.” Sam moved into Dean’s eye line till he had to straighten and meet his gaze. “It doesn’t matter to me that you liked a guy. I think it’s really cool you found someone you liked enough to date.”

Dean was crawling out his skin with this conversation. He needed to move on and focus on the hunt at hand. He felt the tightness in his throat and needed to get a little control back. He smacked Sam on the shoulder, giving it a squeeze since he really didn’t know how to get any words out, or express what Sam’s words meant to him. He hoped Sam understood. The small smile Sam gave him was indication enough that he understood.

“Come on, let’s go.” Dean and Sam headed out the tiny cabin, and thankfully, his little brother didn’t push for any more information on him and Castiel. Sam’s quiet, accepting silence sunk into Dean a bit, easing a tension he hadn’t realized he’d been carrying. They got to the lake and Dean sent Sam with the Impala to the conservation area, watching the trails of dust following his baby back down the small dirt road.

It was a thankfully cool June day, only sixty-five out, which meant no one was down at the beach today. Schools weren’t out yet either, so that helped. He moved down the embankment to the beach and took one of the main side trails up into the woods. Acting as your own bait was never the strongest plan, especially with no one to watch his back, but it was his only plan at the moment.

Most of the attacks had been on high-traffic trails so he moved down the wide bike path, only taking a second to glance at the overgrown opening to his right. The trail was even more hidden than the last time he’d found it and he wondered if the rope swing was still there. He moved farther into the woods. Climbing up a small hill, he sat at the base of tree with a clear sightline to the trail, but mostly remained out of the way.

The sun was touching the horizon, and he looked the other way through the branches to see the full moon just starting to rise. It was less likely to catch the werewolf till dark, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He’d been sitting for two hours with only one passing person on a mountain bike. Sam had texted that he had no sign of it yet either. He opened up his phone and considered texting Castiel. He hadn’t stopped thinking about the guy, not once in three years.

Dean was looking at the contact in his cell when he heard the sound of feet thudding along the ground coming from the direction of the beach. He glanced up to see Castiel jogging up the path. Wearing a grey tee and red jogging shorts, he looked like he had only just started his run. Dean’s breath caught in his throat, watching the lean muscle of his thighs as he navigated the uneven terrain. He remembered the feel of those thighs wrapped around him and shivered at the memory. A snarl broke the silence and Dean glanced to his left as a blur barreled through the trees, heading right for Castiel.

“Cas!” Dean yelled at the top of his lungs, leaping up from his hiding spot and pulling out his pistol. He was too late, Castiel screeched to a stop as the werewolf smashed into him, both falling to the ground in a heaping pile of limbs. Dean’s heart rabbitted in his chest as he flew down the hill. He couldn’t even see Castiel underneath the snarling muscle that had once been a man. Terror ran through him as he leveled his gun, unable to get a shot off with Castiel underneath the wolf.

Dean pulled out his silver knife and lunged at the werewolf. He wrapped an arm around its throat, yanking it off of Castiel. Castiel kicked the beast in the nose, distracting it long enough for Dean to get a better grip on his knife. He aimed right for the heart as he stabbed the monster through the back. It howled and thrashed, toppling both it and Dean to the ground. They landed hard in a pile and Dean groaned as the wind was knocked out of him.

He tossed the werewolf off of him, pulling out his knife as he did. Dean’s eyes locked on Castiel’s and he reached out and pulled Castiel into his arms, shaking with relief. He felt Castiel rubbing a circle on his back, and thought he was making soothing shushing sounds, but it was all white noise.

“You okay?” Castiel asked eventually and Dean reluctantly let his vice grip go, sitting back a bit.

“Fuck, that was way too close. Are you alright? He didn’t bite you?” He looked Castiel over, and while his neat hair was a little mussed and his shirt had a tear in it, he seemed otherwise okay.

“I am perfectly fine. You, on the other hand...” Castiel pointed and Dean looked down at his now blood-soaked t-shirt.

“Shit,” Dean panted a little, getting up on shaky feet along with Castiel. “What were you doing out here with a werewolf on the loose anyway?” Dean scowled at him.

“First of all, I had no idea a—what did you call it? Werewolf? Was terrorizing the woods. Secondly I was just out for a run, which isn’t a criminal offense last I checked.” Castiel raised one of his brows, narrowing his eyes. That look could melt the polar ice caps, or freeze them again.

“Sorry, you just scared the crap outta me.” Dean shrugged a little knowing it hadn’t been Castiel’s fault. If anything, it was his for not warning him to stay inside.

“It’s done at least. You should let your brother know.” 

Dean nodded, sending off a quick text to Sam. He looked down at himself and saw the blood soaked through his shirt. He could feel the tacky wet splatter on his neck and collar as well.

“Fuck, I can’t walk out of here looking like this.” He held the shirt away from his skin. “Gross.”

“You should rinse off in the lake. It’s still wet—just water will get rid of most of it,” Castiel offered.

Dean nodded in agreement and they both hauled the body into the woods, hiding it behind a bush. There was no form of ID so that would be on the Stow Police Department to figure out. Castiel didn’t say anything but started heading down the main path, veering off toward the familiar trail. 

They came up on the familiar rock, and he couldn’t hide his smile seeing the rope swing still in place. Castiel peered off the side before turning back to him and gesturing toward the water.

“You don’t actually expect me to swim? It’s freezing!” Dean protested.

“It was hot yesterday, I’m  sure the water isn’t that cold,” Castiel rolled his eyes. “Come on, I dare you.”

“Low blow, man, low freaking blow.” He knew rinsing off the blood was a good idea before appearing in public again. But there had to be a better option than the lake.

“Will you jump in if I do?” Castiel offered, a little smirk on his face now.  _ Rat bastard _ , Dean thought with a smile.

“Count of three?”

“Okay.” 

They both stood on the edge, one foot forward, giving each other the side eye.

“One…. Two….” Castiel counted.

“Three!” Dean yelled, grabbing Castiel’s shoulders and tossing them both off the edge with a giant leap.

They crashed into the cold water below and came up, spurting and splashing, both trying to keep water out of their mouths as they laughed. It was goddamn freezing and he already felt a shiver starting.

“Fuck, that’s cold.” Dean rubbed his shirt between his hands, rinsing off the majority of the evidence from the kill. He splashed his face a few times and suddenly felt two thumbs clearing the water from his eyes. He held perfectly still, long fingers holding his face. He sighed into the touch.

“See? Not so cold, once you're used to it,” Castiel replied in his rough voice.

Dean blinked his eyes open, staring into the startling blue. He reached out, pulling Castiel toward him. He knew, knew it was a mistake but he couldn’t help yearning for the touch, the contact. Castiel moved to rest his elbows on Dean’s shoulders, wrapping his long legs around his waist. Dean found steady footing in the water and smiled up at him.

“See? I can still carry you,” Dean whispered, splaying out his hands across Castiel’s broad back.

“I’m in the water, Dean,” Castiel chuckled and Dean just shrugged.

“I missed this.” He couldn’t meet his eyes when he said it, feeling a flush on his cheeks despite the cold.

Castiel let out a sigh and leaning in, hugged Dean tight. “I missed you too,” Castiel replied, planting a kiss on the nape of his neck that made  him shiver.

“I think we should get out of the water before we turn to popsicles.” Dean nuzzled into Castiel’s neck, not kissing so much as feeling the cool skin against his lips. Castiel just nodded and Dean began carrying him out of the water. Castiel could obviously walk but he wasn’t ready to let go just yet, and Castiel seemed equally unwilling to relinquish his grip. They reached the small sandy area below the rock and he lowered Castiel to the ground.

“F-f-fuck, now I’m c-cold,” Castiel shivered, rubbing his arms to try and warm up.

“Sorry I made you jump in with me. How uh, how are you holding up? I mean, a first monster attack can be a little jarring.”

Castiel got a strange look on his face, and if Dean didn’t know better it looked…guilty?

“I think maybe we should talk,” Castiel answered cautiously and Dean knew that no conversation that started with  _ we should talk  _ was ever one he wanted to have.


	5. Chapter 5

~~~~~  **July, 2002** ~~~~~~   
  


_ Castiel still felt like he was dreaming. He had kissed Dean, scratch that, Dean had kissed him. And wonder of fucking wonders, he seemed to wanna keep doing it. He’d had reservations, he knew it was one thing to be attracted to men but another altogether to act on those feelings. But being with Dean, nothing had ever felt more right in his whole life. He shut out the hateful voice of his uncle and pushed it from his mind. In the end, how could something that felt this good be wrong? _

_ He made it his mission to touch Dean as often as he could. A brush of fingers when he handed him his ice cream cone, or a thumb across the corner of his mouth to clean away a stray drip. He spent his days now watching Dean as he had before, but now it was almost more unbearable because he was waiting for when the people left and the “closed beach” sign went up and he could be with Dean. Once the beach goers had left it was like the invisible wall between them was dropped and suddenly Dean was everywhere. They held hands, wrestled over who got the last pringle, kissed till their lips were sore.  _

_ They spent some evenings on the beach, laying out a blanket and just talking for hours. Castiel told Dean all about his classes and what the campus was like. He even reminisced about his first kiss with Heidi Grant and how he knew right then and there girls weren’t for him. Dean had laughed, telling his first kiss story, which he had apparently enjoyed much more than Cas. Castiel had admired Dean’s confidence. He’d always seemed so sure of himself, at least on the surface. The more he got to know Dean the more he could see beyond all that. Deep down, Dean carried a sadness, a weight on him that Castiel wanted desperately to understand. _

_ This night though they went for a drive together, grabbing burgers at Babico’s before driving back toward the beach. Castiel flew his hand out the window again, feeling the wind push it up and down. He loved being in Dean’s car, the smell of the leather and rumble of the engine. It felt like home, even more like home than the house he grew up in, and though he knew  that was strange, he couldn’t deny the feeling. _

_ “Where are we going?” he finally asked, when he noticed they weren’t heading toward the lake. _

_ “I dunno.” Dean flashed him a cheeky smile. “That okay with you?” _

_ Castiel shrugged, looking back out the window. He couldn’t care less where they went, as long they went there together. He felt Dean’s hand lay on top of his and gave it a squeeze. He pulled the hand up to his lips and kissed Dean’s knuckles. Pausing, he kissed them again, but this time he swirls his tongue around the joint. Dean shuddered at the touch. Emboldened by this, he pushed Dean’s pointer finger out straight and wrapped his lips around it. He let the digit slide slowly into his mouth before sucking on it with a swirl from his tongue. _

_ Dean’s other hand swerved a little on the wheel and he cursed, “Jesus Christ, Cas, you tryin’ to get us killed?” Castiel only smirked, completely enthralled with the effect he could have on Dean. He continued to suck and tease at the long, slender finger, feeling the calluses against his tongue. He loved the feel of those rough hands on the nape of his neck or up under his  t-shirt when Dean had teased at his nipples. _

_ He finally pulled off with a little pop sound and watched the muscles in Dean’s jaw tighten. He knew what he wanted then, it was just a matter of convincing Dean, and something told him it wouldn’t be that hard to do. “Pull over.” _

_ “Cas?” Dean glanced over swallowing hard, his eyes wide. _

_ “Find a spot to pull over out of the way.” Castiel glanced up and saw they were on a pretty remote road. He thought they were maybe in Harvard by now, the sun almost down. Dean just nodded and pulled off to a small dirt drive that led to a parking lot at a trail head. It was deserted, no hikers or dog walkers in sight. _

_ Dean threw the car into park at the far end and turned in his seat to face Castiel, eyes a mixture of inquisitive and wary. Castiel felt his heart rate pick up, thumping in his chest. He licked his lips and moved toward Dean, feeling fingers reach up and tighten in his hair as he was pulled down into a kiss. Dean smelled like leather and suntan lotion, and tasted like strawberry ice cream. It was utterly intoxicating. _

_ He moved his free hand to the button on the top of Dean’s jeans, fumbling to push it through the opening. Dean’s hand caught his—stopping his attempt  and pulling back a moment. _

_ “Cas, what are you thinking here?” Dean’s eyes were soft now, patient. Cas didn’t want soft and patient, he wanted heat and passion. _

_ “I want to suck you off, Dean.” He watched as Dean’s eyes went wide. _

_ “You done that before?” Dean asked, coughing to clear his throat. _

_ He shook his head. “No, but I want to. I want you, Dean, will you let me?” For good measure he dragged his tongue along his top lip.  _

_ Dean’s eyes tracked the movement. “If you're sure, Cas. We don’t have to rush, you know. There isn’t any hurry.”  _

_ Castiel leaned forward, planting a soft kiss to Dean’s cheek. “Say yes?” Cas asked, lips brushing by Dean’s ear. _

_ “Fuck, yes, okay yes.” Dean let out a needy whine when Castiel gripped the bulge in Dean’s jeans. He felt more confident now and he moved to unbutton Dean’s jeans while he kissed and sucked at his neck. For his part, Dean tipped his head back and shifted his hips forward on the seat. Castiel got his zipper down and reached into his boxers, pulling out the heavy, warm cock into his hand. It was hard and soft all at the same time, flushed a lovely pink. He gave it a little squeeze, running his thumb over the top the way he often did to himself, and heard the moan the movement elicited. _

_ He didn’t know what he was doing, but he hoped that since he knew what felt good on his own dick, he could figure it out. Leaning down, he licked a stripe up the underside of Dean’s cock, tasting the saltiness. He quickly latched his mouth around the tip, sucking and swirling his tongue the same way he had on Dean’s finger. The weight of it in his mouth felt heavy and so incredibly hot he felt his own cock straining in his jeans. He moved his mouth down farther, beginning a steady bob. _

_ Dean’s fingers carded through his hair as he let out breathy words of, “Yes—please, Cas—feels so good.” He could tell Dean was trying so hard to stay still and not thrust up into his mouth. He tried to take Dean even deeper but nearly gagged himself and thought better of it. Dean’s fingers began to tighten in his hair, words coming out in shaky breath. “I’m gonna, gonna c-c-come, Cas,” he warned and Cas let out his own moan, letting it vibrate in his throat. _

_ This made Dean come undone, spilling into Castiel’s mouth on a silent cry. He took it all, loving the debauched and wild feeling of something so primal. He sucked and swallowed, delighted that it wasn’t gross liked he’d feared it might be. But then again, this was Dean…and he wanted every part of him he could get. He wanted to wring the pleasure from him till there was nothing left, knowing  that he’d done that to him. _

_ He slowly pulled off the softening cock and Dean’s hands guided him up to a soft, loving kiss. Dean sighed into him, cradling his head in his hands. Castiel let him bear the weight and moaned in pleasure when Dean began to massage his aching jaw with his thumbs. “Was that okay, Cas? Are you good?” Dean’s voice held a note of concern now. _

_ “I’m good, I’m really good,” he replied and shifted a little uncomfortably. “Well, except—” _

_ “Except for what?” Dean’s eyes went wide. _

_ “My cock is gonna get rubbed raw in these jeans,” he quirked a smile. Dean’s shoulders relaxed and he gave Castiel what can only be described as a leer. _

_ “Well, I can take care of that for you. Lean back, baby.” Castiel inched back a bit, leaning against the door. _

_ “You don’t have to, Dean, just because I did.” He didn’t want a hand job or a blow job out of obligation. He couldn’t deny, though, how much he wanted to feel Dean on him. _

_ “Fuck, I wanna see you come, baby. Let me do this.” Dean’s hands were unbuttoning his fly and deft fingers pulled out his aching cock in a matter of seconds. Dean licked his pink lips and gave Castiel a smile. “First time for both of us, then.” With that he lowered his mouth and sucked in nearly half of Castiel’s cock. The warm, wet heat of Dean’s mouth was quite possibly the best thing he ever felt. His body twitched and quivered as Dean sucked and teased at the flesh in his mouth. Castiel flung his head back, breathing as steady as he could, head resting on the glass. _

_ He wasn’t sure how long he could last. Dean's tongue teased and flicked at the head of his cock and he couldn’t hold back the needy whine from his own lips. He needed to come, but he wasn’t ready for it to end. Every nerve felt like it was on fire, muscles clenching and straining against the waves of pleasure. He gripped the leather of the seat, digging his nails in. A hand snaked up under his shirt and he felt fingers gently rub and pull at his right nipple. It was all too much and he was suddenly coming hard without any warning. Dean stayed latched on, pulling out every last drop he had to give. Castiel felt like all the energy was drained out of his body, muscles going lax and eyes closing in utter euphoria. Sex was way better when you weren’t by yourself. _

_ He felt Dean’s fingers tucking his softening cock back in, and reaching forward to pull him into his lap. Castiel went willingly, clutching to Dean’s back and resting his head on his shoulder. Dean held him, running a hand down his back and pressing soft kisses to his temple. He’d never felt more safe and more desired in his whole life. Neither of them spoke, and Castiel knew they were both trying not to break the moment between them. _

_ He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, only that it was now fully dark out and he was feeling very tired. Dean’s voice was the first to break the silence in the car, “Thanks, Cas.” _

_ “For what?” he answered, unwilling to leave Dean’s embrace just yet. _

_ “I dunno, just for putting up with me. It’s just nice, to have someone, that's all.” _

_ “I like having you too, Dean.” _

_ Dean’s arms tightened around him, voice shakier than before. “It just feels like everyone always leaves, you know? I should suck it up and just accept being on my own but…I hate being alone.” _

_ Castiel nuzzled into Dean’s neck. “You’re not alone. I’m here.” _

_ “Yeah you are, aren’t you,” Dean said with something like wonder in his voice. “You're really amazing, you know that, Cas?” _

_ “No, I don’t really know that, but it’s nice to hear.” He moved his face back a little so he could see Dean’s face. His eyes were shining in the dark, a melancholy in them he’d never fully seen before. _

_ “The world’s a really shit place, but you…you make all that crap seem not so bad.” _

_ He cupped Dean’s face in his hand and felt a single tear track down against his thumb. “Are you okay, Dean?” _

_ Dean smiled then, planting a kiss on the pulse point of his wrist. “Yeah, I’m more than okay. Best I’ve been in a long time.” _

_ Castiel could see clearly now the bravado, the cool guy he’d first seen on the beach was all just a mask to cover his pain. As he looked into Dean’s eyes he saw such trust there, he knew then that he was a goner. He was falling head over heels in love with this man, and he’d do everything in his power to deserve the trust he saw there. Cas felt they were two lonely souls clinging to each other in the dark. Each holding out a beacon of light to the other, to light the way. _

 

~~~~~  **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

__

Castiel watched Dean wring out the water from his shirt, frowning at his soaked jeans. It was better to be found wet then bloody, he supposed. He couldn’t believe he’d finally seen a real werewolf. There had been less hair than he expected, but the speed and strength were like he read about. He thought the text he’d read on the werewolf myths in France was probably the most accurate.

“We should head back—I have some towels in my car once Sam gets here,” Dean offered, looking over his equally wet state.

“Not a bad idea…. Glad you had silver on you, though you were always one to be prepared.” Castiel commented as he climbed up the embankment, feeling the chill seeping into his bones. He halted at the top of the hill when he realized Dean wasn’t following him. Dean stood staring up him with an unreadable look on his face. Castiel tilted his head in confusion, the silence hanging thick in the air. “Dean?” he finally asked.

“How do you know about silver with werewolves? I never told you that.”

Castiel stiffened, realizing his mistake. He never was one for secrets, deciding his best bet was to lay it all out. “I finished my degree but I, uh—I switched majors, after you left.” When Castiel didn’t elaborate Dean gestured with his hand for him to go on. “I moved to a double major, studying folklore, and some religious studies focusing on demons in Judeo-Christian mythology. I learned a lot in the past few years. I even got some help from that friend of yours, the grumpy old fellow in Sioux Falls. He sent me a few books I couldn’t get at the school library.” Castiel glanced up, seeing Dean’s face had gone rigid.   
  
In a few long strides Dean was standing in front of him, fear and anger etched on his face. “I told you to drop it, Cas, to run as far and fast as you could from anything dealing with the supernatural.” Dean pointed an angry finger over his shoulder. “You go and study the damn subject? Next thing you’ll tell me how you’ve been hunting, too.”   
  
“I haven’t hunted anything, though I have helped. I am not useless, Dean. If my knowledge can help a hunter, just like you, take down a dangerous threat, then I am going to do it,” Castiel hissed back at him.   
  
“What hunters have you helped?” Dean looked pissed, and maybe a little jealous…   
  
“Bobby. He called me asking me to research a few things for him and we have since exchanged knowledge several times.”   
  
“How did you even find him? I never gave you his number.”   
  
“I looked him up. Not many salvage yards owned by men named Bobby in Sioux Falls. It’s called the Yellow Pages.”   
  
Dean crossed his arms, giving an involuntary shiver. His eyes narrowed at Castiel, “I don’t like it, Cas. You're gonna get hurt.”   
  
“You don’t have to like it. It’s not up to you,” Castiel retorted.   
  
Dean’s face dropped and he covered it with his hands. The defeated slump to his shoulders was enough to soften Castiel’s heart. Dean whispered through his hands, “Did I do this? Did I drive you to this?”

“Dean, you may have opened the door, but I am the one who walked through it. It was choice, my choice and anything that happens because of it is on my shoulders, not yours.” Castiel reached forward, pulling Dean’s hands away from his face. He rubbed small circles on the back of his hands and noticed angry red welts and bruising around Dean’s wrists. He pulled each one up to get a closer look and planted a soft kiss to his wrists over the irritated skin.   
  
“Wendigo, a few months back, then a shifter after that. It’s nothing.” Dean shrugged, still looking like a kid who lost his puppy.

“Come on, let’s get out of here and into dry clothes. You can introduce me to your little brother I’ve heard so much about.” Dean looked reluctant but eventually his feet began to follow Castiel up the path.

“We aren’t done talking about this,” Dean added matter-of-factly, and Castiel just nodded his understanding.

They made it out of the woods and found a tall, broad-chested man leaning against the side of Dean’s car. He brushed his semi-long hair out of his hazel eyes and gave them both a relieved smile.

“Dean, why are you soaking wet? You drown the werewolf?” he chuckled.

“Shuddup, had to get the blood off. Sam, this is Cas, Cas, this is Sam,” Dean waved a hand between the two of them.

Castiel smiled and stretched out a hand, which Sam took, giving it a firm shake. Castiel thought Sam had a genuine smile, and he had a feeling he would get along with him just fine. Sam went into the trunk and pulled out two scratchy motel towels. Cas took his gratefully, drying himself off as best he could, rubbing the towel over his head.

“You want a change of clothes?” Dean asked, reaching for his duffel. Castiel’s pulse fluttered at the thought of Dean’s clothes against his skin again. He nodded numbly and Dean carried the duffel down to the closed ice cream stand with Castiel hot on his heels. They shivered in the cool, dark room and began stripping out of their wet clothes. Castiel tried not to peek over his shoulder but still caught glimpses of soft pale skin and firm muscle. He pulled on a pair of boxers, jeans and white  t-shirt, and turned to find Dean staring at him. He froze a moment, the tension thick in the air between them.    


“Fuck,” Dean exhaled and was moving toward him. Greedy hands yanked Castiel into a lip-crushing kiss. He opened up for Dean like he always had , melting against him, hip bones pressed together as Dean moved him up against the wall. He shook—whether from the cold or the sensation of Dean’s body against his, tongue against his—fuck, he didn’t care, he just wanted more, more, more.

It was Dean that pulled away first, breathing heavy the shared air between them. Foreheads resting together. He couldn’t help but squirm under him, body aching to be touched. “We gotta get going,” Dean choked out, licking his lips. He slowly pushed away from Castiel and he watched the hunter slink backwards, cheeks flushed as he grabbed his bag and darted out the door. He felt bereft standing there and took a moment to shut his eyes, regain control of himself before he moved to find the Winchesters.

Dean and Sam were standing by the car, heads tilted together, almost mirror images of each other. He approached, his mouth open ready to ask what their next move was, when he heard a faint ringing sound. Dean dove into the glove box, pulling out a flip phone. He stared at it like the phone might jump up and bite him.

“‘Ello?” Dean answered as Castiel came to stand beside Sam. “Dad where are—yeah okay…no we aren’t…how long?...you’re sure?…yeah, I’m with Sammy, actually and—uh huh…we’ll head out tonight but it’s gonna take a few days…we’re up in Massachusetts…don’t worry we got this, promise Dad.... Be careful, okay?” Dean flipped the phone shut and dragged a hand down over his face.

“So, what’s going on?” Sam put his hands on his hips and gave his brother a scowl. Castiel had to hide a smile at the sight, thinking it was what Dean lovingly referred to as Sam’s “bitchface.”

“That was Dad. He thinks he tracked him down—the demon.”

“How are we supposed to kill him?” Sam’s voice went a little high.

“He said he has that taken care of. Found a friend named Elkins or something and he’s ready. He said he would send me the address of where he’s staying.” Dean glanced at Castiel, who had gone stiff at the words. He knew Dean wouldn’t stay long after his hunt but he didn’t think it would be this fast. It was like three years ago all over again. Dean’s face wore a broken look as he turned to him. “Cas, I’m sorry, but—”

“I’m coming,” he replied, cutting Dean off. Dean just blinked stupidly at him. “I need to grab a few things at the house but that should only take an hour, tops.”

“Cas, you can’t come, it’s way too dangerous.” Dean glared at Castiel now, but he wasn’t going to back down on this.He wasn’t going to lose him again.

“No, Dean, I am not taking no for answer. I can handle myself and I am coming with you.”

Sam cleared his throat, “I uh, I’ll just wait in the car.” Sam ducked into the front seat, starting the car and turning on the radio to drown them out. Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm and dragged him toward the back of the car.

“This is crazy, alright? Cas, you have a nice normal life and you should go live it, as far away for demons and monsters as you can.”

“How would you know I have nice normal life, huh? Have you been around the past three years? Have you written or called or visited or anything? No, you haven’t. Well maybe if you had, you would know my life isn’t normal and I don’t want it to be.” As Cas spoke, Dean paced away from him, moving like an agitated caged animal. “The happiest I have ever been was when I was with you, Dean.”

This stopped the man in his tracks, his back turned to Castiel. “You don’t mean that,” his voice came a bit calmer now.

“I do mean it. Life is dangerous, okay? I could walk into the street and get hit by a bus tomorrow. Let me take this risk with you.” He knew he was pleading now but this was his chance to go back in time and do it all again. He wasn’t gonna fail this time.

“Cas, a civilian like you wouldn’t stand a chance against a demon, let alone  _ this _ demon. I can’t put you in that kind of danger.” Dean turned to him, eyes wide and searching.

“You're not doing anything, I am making a choice… and I choose you, Dean.” Castiel’s chest felt tight as he held his breath, watching Dean’s mind racing behind his eyes.

He could see so much fear there leaking out, fear for his father, his brother, and now fear for Castiel. He hated to have put more fear on those graceful shoulders, when all he’d wanted to do was help. He knew though, knew in his bones that going with Dean was the only choice for both of them. He had to make Dean see.

“Fine, you can ride with us but you aren’t going out in the field, alright? I have no idea what we're up against.” Dean’s voice held an almost fatherly tone that broke Cas’ heart a bit. Dean had played the father and mother role his whole life. If he could help ease that burden he was going to do it.

“Thank you, Dean,” he answered quietly, not wanting to risk Dean changing his mind.

Dean shifted up to him and placed his hand cupping Castiel’s cheek. “You're really sure about this?” His voice was soft as he ran a thumb over Castiel’s stubbled jaw.

“I am. Are you? Sure about me, I mean?” Castiel had to consider the option. It had been years and maybe Dean’s passion for him had dried up in that time.

“Are you asking if I still want you?” Dean’s eyes raked over him making him shift under the scrutiny.

“Yes… I am.” He held his head high, meeting those green eyes in the dying afternoon light.

“I want you forever, Cas, I already told you that. I want you just as much now as I did all those years ago. There’s no one else for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m good for you.”

“You're such a fool, Dean Winchester.” Castiel smiled at him now. He leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “There is no one else on Earth I want more than you.”

“Poor you then,” he gave a halfhearted chuckle. Cas could her the insecurity in his voice, the hidden question, needing Cas to tell him he wasn’t alone.

“It’s going to be okay, Dean,” Castiel reassured him with a bit more confidence than he felt. He didn’t know if things really would be okay, but at least this time they would be together. This time he wasn’t letting Dean go, no matter the cost.


	6. Chapter 6

~~~~~ **August, 2002** ~~~~~~

_It was getting late, the crickets loud and the sun below the tree line as Dean lay on the blanket stretched out over the sand. His head was propped up on his duffel as he waited for Castiel to come back. He knew his uncle had been giving Castiel a hard time about being out every night, but Castiel had promised he’d be back out as soon as his overbearing guardian headed to his room to read. This apparently happened like clockwork at eight o’clock . every night. Dean closed his eyes, willing the temperature to drop._

_Not many people had even come out to the lake with how hot it had been. He thought about that hot summer he and Sam had spent in New Mexico waiting out their dad’s hunt. John had sprung for a motel with a pool and Sam and Dean hardly left the water for three weeks straight. It had been one of the best summers he could remember. His heart ached thinking of Sam. He wondered what he was doing for the summer, if he stayed on campus or maybe went off to hang out with new friends. Dean kept mailing Sam money, not a lot, but he tried to send him a few hundred bucks every few weeks. He knew Sam wouldn’t want to take the money but he had no way of sending it back—it’s not like Dean had an address. It eased his conscience anyway, to think he was still watching out for his little brother in some way._

_“Hungry?” Castiel’s voice came from behind him and he craned his neck to see Castiel approaching, two ice cream cones dripping in his hands._

_“Hell yes, gimme gimme.”_

_Castiel laughed as he handed Dean his cone of strawberry ice cream. It was already dripping all over the place as he licked over the sides of the cone and his fingers as he tried to contain the mess._

_“Sorry I was running late—I hopped in the shower real quick.” Castiel folded up his legs, sitting next to Dean on the blanket, consuming his chocolate chip cone with equal fervor. Just the sight of Castiel’s tongue licking a long strip up the side of the cone was enough for Dean  to be tenting his swim trunks._

_Castiel had brought over the radio that Dean had fixed, and he used his free hand to turn it on to some alternative station. Dean didn’t bother complaining, he always picked the music when driving. When they finished their ice cream they lay side by side, heads resting on the duffle bag and watched as the light disappeared from the sky, turning from pink to purple and finally, to an inky black and blue. He’d never felt such a sense of calm—it felt like he was sitting in the eye of the storm and he never wanted this peace to end. Dean leaned over and breathed in the smell of Castiel, nose brushing against Castiel’s cheek. He sighed and smiled a little as he heard the song that came on the radio._

_“Night swimming deserves a quiet night_

_I'm not sure all these people understand_

_It's not like years ago_

_The fear of getting caught_

_Of recklessness and water_

_They cannot see me naked_

_These things, they go away_

_Replaced by everyday”_

_Dean climbed up off the blanket, pulling his shirt up and off his head. Tossing it on the blanket, he walked backwards towards the water, smirking at Castiel, who had his head tipped watching him._

_“Dean?”_

_He didn’t respond, just slid his trunks slowly down his hips till they pooled at his feet._

_‘Night swimming, remembering that night_

_September's coming soon_

_I'm pining for the moon_

_And what if there were two_

_Side by side in orbit_

_Around the fairest sun?_

_That bright, tight forever drum_

_Could not describe nightswimming’_

_Dean felt the cool water rise up over his ankles as he gave one last wiggle of his eyebrows to Cas, and turning, leapt into the water. He swam back up, and looking to the shore, he saw Castiel struggling and tripping to pull off his clothes, skin pale in the moonlight. Cas glanced around before pulling off his boxers and tip toeing into the water after Dean. He was all lean muscle over bone and looked like something ethereal as he waded into the water._

_Dean reached for him, grasping his hand and pulling him in close. Castiel huffed a laugh, wrapping his legs around Dean’s waist and Dean could feel his cock press against the line of his stomach. The water was warm and the only sounds were their breathing and the lapping of the water against their skin._

_“Someone might see us,” Cas whispered, glancing around._

_“That’s kinda the fun of it, don’t you think?” Dean gripped onto his hips, running his thumb along the curve of the hip bone. He never thought he would like the hard lines of a man’s body against his but there was something exhilarating about it. It was about more than that, though—it was about Cas. Being with him, he felt completely at ease with himself. He wanted to be close to Castiel, as close as he possibly could be._

_His toes sunk into the sandy bottom of the lake and he felt his skin cooling from the day’s heat, even with Castiel floating in his arms. He let his hands drift south in the water till they cupped Castiel’s firm, round ass. Hands clenched on his shoulders as Castiel stiffened in his arms. He felt strong fingers sink into his skin and then relax just a fraction._

_“You okay?” he whispered into his neck, kissing the pulse point just under his jaw, trailing his wet lips slowly down, teeth grazing._

_“Uh, uh, n-n-no I’m good, so good.” Castiel’s voice was strained and he tipped his head back, allowing Dean the access he wanted to kiss the wet, tanned skin there. He was beginning to love watching Castiel come undone under his touch—it was downright addicting. The little noises he made, the  shifts of his body desperate and needing him, needing Dean. He could spend hours teasing him, exploring his body, bringing him to the very brink till finally he tipped him over the edge, watching him spiral down, body shaking with release. This was Dean’s new favorite hobby ever since their first fumbling blowjobs in the front seat of his car._

_He continued to kiss and lick at Castiel’s neck, teasing at his ear lobe with his teeth, making him gasp. Castiel rutted against him in the water, erection pressed into his stomach, wanton and aching, his own erection hard enough to cut glass. He let one lone finger slide down the crease between Castiel’s cheeks. He kept his movements slow till he felt the furled ring of muscle. He pressed lightly, not pushing in, just a light, even pressure._

_Castiel bucked up into his arms, screaming, “oh god!” Dean grinned to himself and began to press and release against the spot, reveling in the low keening sounds Castiel was making in response._

_“Fuck, you're so fucking beautiful, you know that?” he whispered, feeling in awe of the man currently wrapped around him._

_“I need you, Dean, I need you in me.” Dean froze in his ministrations at these words, pulling back his head to look at Castiel. His normally bright blue eyes were almost a rich navy in the dark, hair wet and swept back out of his face. The moon lit up his skin, bright against the mirrored water._

_“We don’t have to if you're not ready, there’s no pressure, angel.” The last thing in the world he wanted to do was to rush him._

_“I…I am a little nervous, but I want this, Dean. I want this with you, I need it.” Castiel leaned forward to brush their lips together. “I trust you.”_

_Dean nodded, moving his hands to grip under his thighs and fuck if those strong thighs didn’t grip his hips right back. He walked them up out of the water, holding on to him tight. He was careful not to trip on the clothing strewn about the sand before he gently laid  Castiel down on the blanket._

_“Grab the little bottle in the side pocket of my bag, and the condom there,” Dean told him._

_“Always prepared, aren’t we?” Castiel chuckled, lightly placing said items on the blanket by his leg._

_Dean grinned and pushed Castiel’s legs wide and up as he kneeled between them. He massaged at the thick muscles under his hands, rubbing them up and down getting Castiel’s body to give and relax, opening to him. He lowered his mouth to suck in the tip of Castiel’s erection, opening his mouth wider when Castiel’s hips bucked up involuntarily. He sucked and swirled his tongue lightly, feeling the warm flesh harden more in his mouth. He hummed, letting the vibration carry down the shaft and felt the muscles clench and release under him._

_He knew he could have Castiel coming in a matter of minutes if he kept that up, but they had other plans. He pulled off the other man’s  cock, smiling at the little whimper Castiel gave. “Shhh angel, let me take care of you.” He moved his mouth south and gently sucked in Castiel’s balls, with one hand reaching to hold and squeeze his cock in rhythm with his mouth. The firm body bucked and squirmed beneath him and his cock gave an eager twitch of its own._

_He’d never done this before but he knew enough about sex to know that things were better a little loose and wet. With that in mind he let his mouth continue the journey south and made a tentative light press against the furled opening. This garnered him a gasp from above as fingers sunk into his short hair. He softly pressed and licked at the spot occasionally, pushing on his perineum till he felt Castiel’s muscles start to shake and quiver around him from sheer anticipation._

_He pulled off, reaching up and grabbing the bottle Castiel had dropped on the blanket. “Nice and slow, okay? You tell me to stop if it's too much.” Dean locked eyes with Castiel and made sure he knew he was dead serious._

_Castiel nodded fervently and tilted his hips higher in invitation. Dean liberally slicked his fingers and began circling around his rim, and gently sank one finger in just up to the first knuckle. Castiel was tight and oh so hot and he wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t come the second he actually got in there. He went slow, moving in and out, feeling the muscles tighten and release around him. It was the hottest fucking thing he’d ever felt._

_“Fuck, angel, you’re so tight, so good for me,” he crooned and suddenly his finger moved in and out with ease. He slid the second finger in and continued to twist and pump his hand, pressing his thumb to Castiel’s perineum, watching him groan and rock on his fingers. It was hotter than any porn he’d ever seen as Castiel fully surrendered to his touch. His fingers searched till finally they grazed over the spot that made Castiel cry out and arch his back up off the blanket._

_“Dean, Dean, Dean,” Castiel began panting like a prayer. Three fingers later Castiel reached out and wrapped a hand around his neck, tilting his head up to meet his eyes. “Dean, I can’t wait any longer, please, just please, I’m ready.”_

_Dean  tore the foil packet, sliding the condom on. He slicked up his now aching cock and crawled up the blanket over Castiel. Hovering there a moment, he lowered himself down to taste those sweet lips. He used one hand to slowly guide himself in, Castiel’s tight heat engulfing him. It was all too much, he felt like every nerve ending was set on fire. Castiel let out a tiny whimper and Dean's eyes snapped open. He wasn't sure when he had shut them._

_“Does it hurt, are you alright?” he searched Castiel’s face for pain, but the line between pleasure and pain could be blurry at best._

_“It doesn’t hurt—just—just give me—a second,” he huffed out, seeming to will his body to relax and accept Dean in. “Okay, okay move, please move,” Castiel begged, pulling his legs up a little higher and Dean finished pushing in the rest of the way. His arms were shaking and his breath was  ragged and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. At least he thought it was, until he started moving. Slow shallow thrusts at first, feeling Castiel’s body give to him more and more on each push. He kissed those soft lips, swallowing the little moans and whines Castiel let out as he bucked his hips up to meet Dean's._

_“Faster…I won’t break,” Castiel practically pleaded between kisses, and that was all Dean needed to hear. His hips canted forward, driving into Castiel, tipping up until he must have hit that one spot because Castiel’s whole body clamped down on him. He didn’t want it to end, never wanted it to end, but he didn’t think either of them could last much longer. He reached down and gave Castiel’s cock a light squeeze and suddenly the body writhed beneath him. Castiel’s rough voice cried out as come splashed up between them and Castiel’s body tightened all around him, pushing  Dean over the edge, coming harder than he could ever remember. The force of it shook his whole body and it took all his strength not to collapse right on top of Castiel._

_He pulled out, muscles feeling shaky and head light and fuzzy as he rolled onto his back next to Castiel and pulled his lover up on top of him. Castiel went willingly, body limp and their legs slotted together. Castiel nuzzled into the crook of Dean’s neck and he closed his eyes, catching his breath and feeling the reassuring weight of the body draped over him. Dean pulled off the condom, tying it and tossing it to the side._

_He didn’t know how long it was before Castiel let out a groan and shifted on top of him. He peppered Castiel’s hair with soft kisses, still slightly damp from the lake. “We should rinse off and get dressed,” Dean whispered into the top of his head._

_“Mmm don’t wanna,” Castiel pouted, making Dean chuckle._

_“Come on, angel, we're a mess and someone could come by.” He slowly moved to sit up, even with Castiel grumbling and acting like dead weight. He managed to pull him to his feet and holding hands, they waded back down into the water, rinsing off their bodies and quickly getting out to towel off. Once they were both dressed Dean shook out the blanket and cleaned up their stuff. He knew the cops’ typical route and they drove by the lake once or  twice a night, but probably not for the next hour or so. He glanced up to see Castiel watching him, a soft expression on his face._

_“What?” he asked, rubbing at the back of his neck._

_Castiel didn’t say anything, just marched up to him, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him soft and deep. Castiel pulled back, running a hand through Dean's hair and making him want to purr contentedly. “You're so special, Dean. I think I…I think I’m falling for you.”_

_Dean’s breath caught in his throat, and he licked his lips trying to speak but Castiel shook his head. “I know it’s shitty of me to say that right after we, well you know. I just want you to know how important you are too me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before you.”_

_Dean's chest felt tight at the words. This summer fling was quickly spiraling into something more, something Dean wasn’t sure he was ready for. He didn’t think he could give Castiel what he needed, what he deserved. He stared into those blue eyes, and despite all his doubts, he answered as honestly as he could. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone else either, Cas. You’ve got me wrapped around your finger.”_

_Castiel kissed him softly once more and with a smile, grabbed the blanket and radio from the ground and led the way up to where Dean’s car was hidden. He laid out on the back seat and Castiel draped himself over Dean like a blanket, windows cracked to let in the warm summer breeze. Castiel’s head rose and fell with each breath Dean took and he held the other boy tight to him. He planted one more soft kiss to top of his head…. I love you, he thought to himself as he drifted off to sleep._

__

 

~~~~~ **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

Dean thought he must have gone mad, letting Castiel come. He was the most selfish person who had ever walked the earth. He knew deep down he hadn’t let Castiel come because that’s what Cas wanted, he’d done it because it was  what he wanted. The idea of walking away from Cas again would have shattered him. He slid into the front seat of Baby after filling up. Sam was in the front seat watching him, and Castiel was in the convenience store grabbing food. He watched the dark hair move amongst the aisles through the window and resisted the urge to go in there.

“He can handle getting some food, Dean,” Sam chided, and Dean  scowled.

“I know that.” He tore his eyes away from the window.

“He’s pretty fearless, and smart too,” Sam added, almost as an afterthought. Dean just grunted his agreement. He already knew this, knew a lot of things about Castiel.

“Dean, what is going on between you two?” Sam pushed, like he always pushed. Dean  decided to see if the silent treatment would work. “Come on, you broke the cardinal family rule for this guy, you told him about us, about what we do—that means something.”

“Not everything means something, Sammy.” He turned his head back to watch Castiel approach the cashier, arms laden with junk food.

“This is different, Dean. You're different around him, I can see it. It’s not a bad thing.” Sam’s voice took on that annoying chiding tone. Who the hell was the older brother here, anyway?

“I told him our secret, about what we do. And I shouldn't have.” Dean gestured toward the door as he continued, “Look where it got us, he’s right in the middle of it with us, exactly where he shouldn’t be.” His gut clenched with the fear of it.

“Look man, everybody's gotta open up to someone sometime,” Sam offered.

“Yeah, I don't. It was stupid to get that close.” He watched Castiel fumble with the money and turn to give Dean a soft smile. He felt every bit the loathsome creature he was, watching that beautiful, funny, perfect person throwing their life away on him. He looked over and Sam was staring intently at him. “What?” Sam still just stared, a small smile growing on his face. Dean felt his face heat under that knowing look. “Would you stop?” he grumbled.

“You love him,” Sam grinned now, leaning back.

“Oh Jesus Christ, Sammy, enough.”

“You do, I can see it plain as day, Dean.”

“This conversation is over,” he said, glaring at his brother.

Sam gave him a hard look. “I never told Jessica what it is we do…and you know what, Dean, it didn’t save her. The demons—they still came for her.” Sam’s voice caught in his throat a second but he pushed on. “You can’t protect him from everything. Take what time you have and just cherish it, okay? Take care of each other and we all might stand a fighting chance out there.”

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but the back door creaked open as Castiel slid into the back seat, arms heavy with his haul. He looked between the two brothers and raised a brow. “Jerky, anyone?” he offered, and Dean couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Yeah thanks, ange—uh, thanks, Cas.” He took the offered snack and started the engine, giving Sam one last glance before pulling back out onto 84. As they drove, Sam and Castiel talked about lore on a nerdy enough level to nearly put Dean to sleep. He was both impressed and concerned with how much Castiel knew. By the time they pulled into the motel he was relieved to have a reason to end the debate on the use of elder wood or pine when dealing with Norse demigods.

“Come on, wood is wood, guys. Does the kind really matter?” he grumbled, cutting off the engine.

“I think the kind of wood matters a lot actually,” Castiel grinned from the back seat and Dean couldn’t stop the flush from reaching his cheeks. Sam hissed out a chuckle and he rolled his eyes.

“Come on, we are getting six hours of sleep and then back on the road, alright?” He got out of the car and strode to the manager's office, leaving the snickering pair in his wake. Castiel and Sam had managed to become thick as thieves in a matter of hours, though he shouldn't have been surprised.

He returned with two room keys. “Okay, I got one with two double beds for me and Sammy, and another they had another open at the far end with a single queen sized for Cas.”

He looked up and both men were staring at him, Sam confused and Castiel...hurt? Before he could say anything else, Castiel snatched the room key with a muttered thanks and hurried down to the end room before slipping inside.

“What did I say?” he asked, looking at his brother, bewildered.

Sam gave him one hell of an eye roll before grabbing his duffle and taking the key from Dean. “Don’t you think maybe he wanted to share a room with you?”

He froze. Of course he’d wanted that himself, but he didn’t want to pressure Cas. Fuck, now it looked like he'd rejected him. He stood under the overhang, bag in hand, debating.

“Just go see if he wants any company,” Sam went into the room and shut the door on Dean, ending the conversation.

He took a deep breath and walked down the line of doors till he reached room 203 and knocked. He heard a shuffling from within and Castiel opened the door tentatively.

“Yes?” he asked with a stiff tone.

“I, uh, can I come in?” he stumbled over his words a bit and ended up staring at his shoes. There was a moment of silence before Castiel stood back, letting Dean in. He noticed the salt line Castiel had already laid in front of the door.

“Do you mind if I stay with you tonight?” he asked cautiously as Castiel shut the door behind him.

“Is that what you want?” Castiel asked, coming around front of Dean and forcing him to look at him. He was in a t-shirt and the top of his jeans were already unbuttoned, zipper halfway down.

He swallowed hard, “Yeah, Cas, that’s what I want, if you're okay with it.”

Castiel let out a long sigh, strangely reminiscent of the sound he used to make when Dean would ask for a second cone of ice cream. “You're a fool for even having to ask that, Dean Winchester.” Castiel hooked his thumbs into the top of his jeans. “I’m taking a shower. You want in?”

When his heart decided to restart he gave a shaky nod. Castiel just chuckled, kicking off his shoes and wiggling out of his jeans as he headed for the bathroom. Dean fumbled awkwardly to get out of his clothes, tripping and stubbing his toe in the process. Undeterred, he made it to the bathroom in nothing but his boxer briefs as a now naked Castiel turned on the shower.  He stood gaping at him. Three long, lonely years since he’d seen that body properly and his hands ached to feel him now. He’d never really managed to hook up with any other guys after Castiel. He had flirted and almost thought about it, but none of them were his angel, none of them could take the sting of that loss away.

“You leaving those on?” Castiel quirked a small smile before stepping into the tiny tub and moving under the stream of steaming water.

“Smart ass,” he muttered as he pulled off his boxer briefs and moved into the far end of the tub. Castiel’s eyes were shut as he tipped his head back and let the water run through his hair. He watched as Castiel shifted, rolling his shoulders and stretching his back. Dean felt his cock filling and balls pulling up tight at the sight of it and pressed a hand to his growing erection. Castiel’s eyes fluttered open, blinking the water away from his lashes.

Castiel still was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. He didn’t know when it had happened, but there had been a shift within Dean. He needed Castiel, he needed him like he needed air. The very thought of being without him again took the breath from his lips. Dean felt frozen in place, stricken with a fear he couldn’t place, a growing pressure in his chest was making it harder to breath. Castiel moved forward and cupped Dean’s face in his hands, watching him.

“Its okay, I’m here now. I won’t leave you.” Somehow Cas knew, without him saying a word—he just knew. He shook with the relief of those words. Letting out a long breath through his lips, he closed his eyes, reaching up to grab onto Castiel’s wrists, feeling the reassuring strength of them. Wet lips were on his then, not intruding, just a gentle, soft press.

Castiel pulled back and grabbed the bar of soap he’d brought in, rubbing it under the water till it formed suds. He then began to run the soapy bar over Dean’s skin, starting at his shoulders in big swiping circles. Dean let his eyes close and just enjoyed the soft, silky touch running down his arms and over his chest. Castiel’s long, agile fingers slid easily over his skin, slowing down over scars as if documenting each tiny imperfection. Hands moved him to turn as they ran over his back. At Castiel’s gentle nudging he spread his legs wider, allowing him better access as he ran the bar down between his cheeks and around his swollen balls, eliciting a low moan from Dean’s mouth.

Slick fingers cradled his sack, swirling and teasing before the hands continued their trip south, down his thighs and calves. He let out a whimper at the loss of hands to his balls. The intensity and intimacy of Castiel’s touch, unhurried and familiar was driving him mad. Castiel turned him back around again and slid his soapy hand down Dean’s abdomen, fingers raking through his curls and coming to grasp his aching cock.

“Fuck, Cas,” he grunted, breathing heavily now. “Gimme the soap.” He held out his hand, not wanting to come just yet even though he was sure it wouldn’t have taken much more than a few tugs from Castiel’s hand. Castiel frowned a little but released him, handing over the soap. Dean switched places with Cas, letting the water run down his back as he began to move the bar of soap over Castiel’s body. He cleaned every inch of him, rubbing his thumbs up and down his spine as he let out low, satisfied moans.

He pulled Castiel in toward him, pressing their hard, silky erections against each other and gripping Cas’ ass in both hands. Castiel whined and rutted up against him when suddenly, hands were gripping his ass as well. “Fo-follow my lead, okay, angel?” he whispered out. Castiel nodded and Dean moved one slippery finger down the crease of Castiel’s perfect ass till he found that wonderfully tight furl of muscle.

He waited and arched his own back in invitation as Castiel mirrored the movement, pressing lightly on Dean’s own hole. “That's it, angel, just like that,” he crooned, heart beginning to race in excitement. “Put your left foot up,” he directed and Castiel did, leaning back slightly against the tile. Dean followed him, lifting his own left leg on the opposite side. They slotted together like two perfect puzzle pieces.

He dipped his finger into Castiel’s tight heat, velvety smooth and twitching. He couldn’t control the gasp he let out as Castiel’s finger sunk in as well, the sensation sending little jolts of pleasure through him. They began working their fingers in tandem in and out both clenching and rutting against each other.

He latched his mouth onto the crook of Castiel’s neck, licking and sucking, moaning against the wet skin. He became a mess of sensation and over-stimulation, the stretching slide of the finger in his ass, the press of his cock against Castiel’s hip bone, the graze of teeth over his neck, and the tight squeeze of Castiel’s muscles around his finger. He whimpered and shook, balls tightening up and suddenly Castiel grazed a spot within him that made him see stars. He came hard and fast jerking and gripping onto Castiel like a lifeline. He barely registered the corresponding moan and vibration that ran through Castiel as he came as well.

They stood frozen like that for a moment, fingers still pressed into each other, mouths lazily resting on each others shoulders. Castiel was the first to move. Pulling out of Dean and resting both hands on his hips, he lowered his foot to the floor of the tub. Dean did the same and pulled Castiel back under the water with him, letting it rinse away the soap from their skin.

“I missed you,” Castiel whispered against Dean’s ear. Dean kissed his cheek and turned off the water.

“Come on, let’s dry off and then I can hold you in an actual bed.” He smiled, thinking of those nights on the beach or in the back of his car. All he’d wanted then was one night in a nice soft bed with Castiel in his arms.

Castiel chuckled and, grabbing the towel, tossed it at Dean as they both dried off. It was nearly midnight as they both crawled in under the scratchy covers together, both not bothering with clothes. Dean lay on his back and Castiel draped himself over him, just how he used to do. He kissed the top of his head, letting the warmth and weight of of Castiel soothe him.

“I never said thank you,” he whispered into the dark room.

“For what?” Castiel’s voice came rougher now.

“For coming with me. I’ve done nothing but give you crap about it, but...it means a lot to me, to have you here.” He didn’t know how to say what he needed to. _I want you and need you with me but having you here in danger is killing me_. It was an internal war that was tearing him apart.

“You don’t have to thank me for that, Dean…it was the only choice that made any sense to me,” Castiel added firmly, voice full of conviction. At least one of them was keeping the faith.

“What are you gonna do with that house?” he asked, suddenly smacking himself for not asking sooner.

“Gabriel will meet with the realtor and handle the sale of it. There’s nothing left there for me.”

“What about your job, Cas? You must have a life back in Boston?”

“I do freelance work for the university, translating texts mostly, which I can do from anywhere. I have an at will lease on a cheap apartment—there isn’t anything holding me there, Dean.”

“It’s gonna be dangerous, you know. This demon, it…well, it’s killed a lot of people. We're gonna do whatever we have to do to end it. But if killing this demon means losing the people I care most about then it can fuck off for all I care, okay? Nothing is more important to me than you staying safe, than Sam staying safe.” He rested his chin on the top of Castiel’s head. “If we're gonna do this, I need you to trust me, okay? Let me keep you safe, as safe as I can.”

Castiel’s hand moved to lace with Dean's, pressing it over his heart. He kissed Dean’s knuckles softly. “I promise I will follow your lead. I would follow you anywhere, Dean. I will smite every demon that comes near us.”

Dean laughed then. “You’ll smite them?”

“Yeah, well you keep calling me angel. It felt like a solid threat,” Castiel shrugged and Dean laughed again.

“Alright angel, but maybe leave the smiting up to me, okay?”

“Mmmhmm,” Castiel sighed into his chest.

Dean lay awake for a while longer, even after Castiel’s body had gone lax in his arms. He thought about what Sam had said earlier, about cherishing what he had. He didn’t know what the future held for them, but he knew that he wouldn’t trade this moment for anything in the world.


	7. Chapter 7

~~~~~  **August, 2002** ~~~~~~

_ Castiel leaned his elbows on his knees, green cooler acting as a suitable enough seat. He tilted his head back and shut his eyes, letting the sun warm his face. Dean had taken the day off and they found a quiet place to spend a lazy afternoon together. He put the cool rim of the bottle to his lips and took a sip of the beer he’d just opened. The cold amber liquid felt amazing, and he couldn’t help but hold up the dripping bottle to his forehead for a few moments, letting it cool his burning skin. _

_ Music drifted from the beat-up old radio Castiel had brought from the ice cream stand, tuned to one of Dean’s favorite rock stations. He watched Dean as he crouched under the hood of his baby, tinkering away. Jean-clad hips swayed to the music and he caught the glimpse of tan bicep stretching the black tee he had on. Dean was beautiful like this, hands at work, lovingly tending to his car. Then again, to be fair, he pretty much always found Dean beautiful. _

_ “Grab me another beer, angel?” Dean called over his shoulder. _

_ He got up, pulling a beer from the cooler and walking it to Dean. He was full on singing now and a smile dimpled his cheeks as he arched his back and swung his hips in a circle. “You, shook me all night long,” Dean belted out over the radio, and Cas chuckled watching him. _

_ “You're a goof, you know that?” Castiel laughed, and Dean only sang louder. Putting down his tool he shimmied over to him. _

_ Dean’s slender fingers rested on his hips and he slotted their legs together as he rolled their bodies to the song. Dean tossed his head back. “'Cause the walls start shaking, the earth was quaking, my mind was aching, and we were making it and you, Shook me all night long!” _

_ Castiel shivered despite the heat, feeling Dean’s hips grind against his. Dean pulled back, snatching his beer. He shot Castiel a wink and popped the cap off with his ring. Dean tipped the bottle high, head tilted back and Castiel watched the bob of his Adam's apple. He licked his lips at the sight and, judging by the mischievous grin Dean shot him, the jerk knew exactly what that did to him. He settled back down on the cooler as Dean dove back under the hood, tinkering away.  _

_ “Say, Dean?” _

_ “Yeah, Cas?” _

_ “You know I go back to school in two weeks, right? After labor day.” _

_ Dean’s body stopped swaying but he continued working on the engine. “Yeah. I mean I figured that’s when the lake closes for the season.” _

_ Castiel hesitated. How far was too far? He didn’t want to ruin what they had and break the little bubble they were in. Neither of them wanted to be the first to shatter the delusion that summer would never end. _

_ “You could come with me. To Boston, I mean.”  _

_ Dean turned around now. Resting his ass on the bumper of the car, he watched Cas skeptically.  _

_ “I mean it, I have an apartment with a friend, there’s plenty of room, you can share with me, maybe get a job at a local auto shop?” _

_ “I’m not a mechanic, Cas,” Dean sighed, rubbing a hand across his forehead. _

_ “You can get a job as a lifeguard at the YMCA or something,” he offered. _

_ “I’m not a lifeguard either. I told you, this is just a break and then I need to get back to the family business,” Dean frowned. _

_ “And what exactly is the family business, Dean?” _

_ “Cas, can you just drop it? I can’t talk about it, alright? It's like rule number one.” Dean didn’t sound mad, he sounded defeated. _

_ “What is this, fight club?” Cas grumbled setting down his empty beer bottle. _

_ “Look at you with a movie reference,” Dean grinned, but Cas was not going to be deflected. _

_ “I mean it, Dean, you can trust me.” He desperately needed to know what it was that put that haunted look behind Dean’s eyes. He felt like there was this huge chunk missing in the story of what made him Dean Winchester, and he wanted to fill in that blank. _

_ “It’s not about trusting you, it’s about keeping you safe. What we do is dangerous, okay? Just please believe me when I say you don’t want to know.” _

_ Castiel felt the tension between them like a taut bow. “So that’s a no to Boston.” _

_ “Can it be a maybe? I don’t know how long I could stay, but for a little while, I’ll try.” Dean gave him a sad smile. Castiel got up and wrapped his arms around him, tucking his head under his chin and breathing in the smell of him. _

_ “Trying sounds really good.” He nuzzled in closer. _

_ “Hey, why don’t you go grab the blanket and food and start setting up a late lunch? I’m freaking starving, man.” _

_ Castiel grinned at that, planting a kiss on his pink lips and moving toward the back seat while Dean went back to tinkering in the front. He couldn’t find the blanket in the back that they normally used. He moved around to check the trunk. Popping it open, he only saw a wrench and a duffel bag. There was a little crack in the bottom of the trunk though, and Castiel reached out and pulled a little. The floor popped up to reveal a hidden storage compartment. His jaw dropped as he stared at the contents. _

_ Guns…and knives…and a goddamn machete! His eyes glazed over it all, rock salt, and holy water, and a slew of various fake ID badges crammed haphazardly in a small box. He was dating a psycho. It was gonna be like one of those slasher movies like  _ Scream _ or  _ I Know What You Did Last Summer _. His heart hammered in his chest. There had to a be a reasonable explanation for all of this right? He knew Dean…at least he thought he did. _

_ “Cas?” Dean called and his eyes shot up as the cover slipped out of his hands, banging shut. “What the—shit, Cas, you weren’t supposed to go in the trunk.” _

_ Dean rushed back to the trunk and slammed it shut as Castiel took a few steps back. When he looked at the man he expected to see anger or fury. He expected him to grab a weapon and come at him, ‘cause Cas had figured him out. All he saw, though, was blind panic in those bright green eyes. _

_ “Dean, would you like to explain why you have a very strange arsenal in the trunk of your car?” He deserved an award for how level his voice was. _

_ “I, uh—you weren’t supposed to see that, Cas.” Dean licked his lips nervously and shifted from side to side.  _

_ “Well I did, and I think I deserve an answer.” He narrowed his eyes. Logically he knew the sane thing to do was to run far and fast and call the police. Logically he should be terrified. Which is why he couldn’t understand the calm feeling he had, staring at Dean’s scared face. _

_ Dean hesitated, indecision warring behind his eyes. “If I tell you, you won’t believe me.” _

_ “Try me,” he countered, arms crossed on his chest. _

_ “I hunt monsters. My family are hunters that kill all those things that go bump in the night.” _

_ “...Monsters?” _

_ “Yeah, like shapeshifters, and ghosts, and demons, and whole bunch of terrible crap you wouldn’t even have a name for. We hunt them and we kill them, to try and protect people.” Dean watched him. Cas knew he was reading his face. He tried to take that in, tried to look at it through his own lens of the world. _

_ “You’re saying all that supernatural stuff is real?” _

_ “I know you think I’m crazy, hell, I get it, but it's the truth, alright?” He put a hand on the hood of his car, staring at the ground. “I’ll go, Cas. If you’ll let me drive you home, I’ll be gone before the sun goes down.” _

_ Castiel’s chest clenched at the words. “What? No Dean, no, I don’t want you to go. I believe you, okay? I just might need you to explain a little.” He took a step towards Dean and held his hands up. _

_ “You don’t wanna hear about this stuff, Cas. It's not pretty, alright? This life—it’s ugly and it’s scary and painful and dark just like I am. You can’t really wanna hear about all that.” Dean turned his face up a little, eyes shining with unshed tears. If he’d been unsure before, if he’d doubted Dean at all, that all fell away when he saw that look. There was no lie in the words Dean was speaking. _

_ “I want to hear all of it…if you’ll tell me.” Cas reached out and grabbed a hold of Dean’s free hand, lacing their fingers together. He brought the knuckles to his lips and placed a gentle kiss there.  _

_ Dean looked at him, wide eyed and shocked. He slowly pulled Dean down and they sat side by side on the dirt with their backs against the car, hands still linked. It took a few minutes sitting in silence before Dean started talking. He told Castiel about his mother, how a demon had killed her and burned her on the ceiling of his brother's nursery. He talked about how his dad took them on the road and they’d been hunting that demon ever since. _

_ “It was just me and Sam a lot, you know? Dad would dump us at a motel when he was on a hunt and wouldn’t come back for days at a time. He taught me to shoot when I was like, seven, so I could keep Sammy safe. That was my job you know, before everything—keep Sammy safe. It was my whole world.” _

_ “And when Sam left?” Cas asked in a softer voice now. _

_ “Yeah, I mean I just threw myself into the job.” Dean sighed, head tipped back against the car. “It was harder working alone with just Dad. I was distracted, I wasn’t paying attention on a hunt and I nearly got us both killed. Dad was so mad, we got in a big fight about it. That’s how I ended up here—I came to work a haunting on my own and just, uh, decided to stay, clear my head, you know?” _

_ Castiel nodded. He couldn’t believe all that Dean had gone through, how much strength that had taken. “I’m sorry, Dean.” It sounded so inadequate the second he said it, but he couldn’t think what else to say. _

_ “It’s alright, I get it. Sammy doesn’t need me anymore and apparently Dad doesn’t either.” Dean’s voice sounded hollow, like someone had carved out the middle of him and he was just an empty shell. _

_ “I need you, Dean,” Cas whispered to him. “Take a break from all this, from the hunting. Stay with me?” _

_ Dean’s eyes were shining again, red rimmed and carrying the weight of the world. Cas knew why he looked like that now—he carried the weight of people’s lives on his shoulders, his family's lives on his shoulders, at far too young an age. “You’re too good for me, Cas. Guys like me don’t get to have this.” He felt Dean’s other hand rise to cup his face. He leaned in to the tender touch. “How do you not think I’m crazy?” Dean said in wonder now. _

_ “I trust you. I trust that you wouldn’t lie to me. I think a part of me has always believed there was more out there in the world than most people know about. The offer still stands. You deserve to be happy, Dean.” Cas leaned in and kissed his soft bottom lip, brushing noses. Dean opened up for the kiss, lips soft and questioning. Dean melted into him, kissing his lips and moving to his neck till he was just holding Cas, face buried in the crook of his neck, clinging to him. _

_ Dean’s breaths sounded ragged, still thick with emotion. “I wanna try, Cas, god I’ve never wanted anything so much in my whole life. It scares the crap outta me.” _

_ Castiel held Dean, wishing he could convey what he felt, how much he loved him just through touch. So that’s what he did, he held Dean, he peppered his skin with soft kisses and dug his fingers into his back, pulling him close and feeling the weight of him, solid and real. He could see all of Dean now, the cuts behind the scars, and he still thought he was the most beautiful, brave person he’d ever met. _   
  


~~~~~  **June, 2005** ~~~~~~   
  


Castiel felt the warm body stirring below him, small twitches of muscle stretching and bending. He curled his fingers around the curve of shoulder and leaned his weight a little heavier over Dean’s chest, unwilling to let the moment end.

“We gotta get up, Cas. We need to hit the road.” Dean’s voice was rough from sleep and Castiel nodded, though still not relinquishing his hold just yet. Still, he didn’t want to be a hindrance to the hunter and he knew they were on a deadline. Cas stretched too and eased off of him, planting a kiss to his neck before sliding out of bed. When he came out of the bathroom Dean was on his cell phone, his jeans pulled up loose around his hips.

“Dad, don’t go after this thing alone, alright? Look you can’t… no…” Dean sounded frustrated and edgy. There was a knock at the door and Castiel pulled on his t-shirt, opening  up for Sam to step inside with three coffees. “Sam’s here, just hold on.” Dean held up the phone and put it on speaker.

“Now you boys listen to me, when it comes time I am handling it alone.” John’s voice sounded tired and thick.

“You can’t just cut us out, Dad. You can’t keep treating us like children,” Sam snapped.

“You are my children, and it’s too dangerous for you to come after this thing with me.” John Winchester’s deep baritone echoed out of the phone. Castiel stood off to the side, feeling intrusive.

“Ahh, all due respect sir, but that’s a load of crap,” Dean said through gritted teeth.

“Excuse me?”

“You know what, Sammy and I have been hunting. Hell, you sent us on a few hunting trips yourself. You can’t be all that worried about keeping us safe.” Dean’s eyes narrowed at the phone.

“It’s not the same thing. This demon is the baddest son of a bitch out there. I can’t be taking him down if I’m worried about both of you getting hurt.”

“And what about you getting hurt, Dad?” Dean’s body thrummed with tension like a taut bow.

“Dad, this is our fight too, we deserve to be a part of this,” Sam added, frowning down at the phone. There was silence for a moment Castiel watching the two brothers lock eyes over the phone, unspoken words passing between them.

“Alright.”

“Alright?” Dean asked.

“I’ll send you the address. Meet me there tonight and we’ll figure out our game plan,” John gave his gruff reply.

“Yes, sir,” the boys said in unison.

“Stay safe, alright boys?” There was a softer edge to John’s voice.

“You too, Dad,” Dean replied before hanging up.

“Let’s hit the road, before he changes his mind again.” Sam grabbed his coffee and headed out of the room. Castiel watched Dean’s back, head tipped forward.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Castiel asked, finishing fastening his belt.

Dean drew in a deep breath, raking his hands through his hair. “I know I shouldn’t feel good about this—I mean were going after a demon,  _ the _  demon. But fuck, I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Does your dad have a plan for killing it?” Castiel asked cautiously.

“Yeah, something about a Colt? I guess he needs to get it off another hunter named Elkins. Still don’t know how he plans to find the demon.” Dean turned, pulling on a t-shirt. He pulled out his amulet, settling it down on top of his shirt and gave it a small squeeze before he finished buttoning his pants and grabbed the coffee Sam had left. Castiel walked up to him and stood tall in front of him, waiting for Dean to meet his eyes.

“We’ve got this, Dean.” He got a small smile in return and Dean leaned in to give him a soft, thankful kiss.

“Still scares the crap outta me but I’m glad you're here,” Dean whispered.

“I’m glad I’m here too. Let’s hit the road—we have a demon to vanquish.” This made  Dean laugh, though he couldn’t figure why.

“Dude, don’t say vanquish, alright? This isn’t some fantasy novel.” Dean chuckled and sighed before grabbing their bags and heading out.

They drove for hours in relative silence. Cas’ mind was full of uncertainty as to what they would find when they reached the Winchester patriarch. It hadn’t escaped his notice that Dean hadn’t mentioned him to John. He wasn’t sure if it was intentional or accidental, and considering everything that was going on, he couldn’t be sure. He figured they had bigger things to worry about.

They didn’t pull into the motel till late that night and Castiel fidgeted by the car, suddenly nervous to be confronted with John Winchester in the flesh.

“Hey, it’s okay, Cas. I texted him and he knows I’m bringing you.” Dean smiled at him.

“And who exactly does he think I am?” Cas glanced past Dean to the door in question.

“A hunter and friend…my boyfriend.” 

This made his jaw drop. He stared at Dean mouth hung open in shock. “You told him?”

“Yeah, when you were sleeping in the car, I called him. He’s not too happy about it, saying it’s a family affair and all that but I told him you are family to me, and he’d just have to deal.” Dean shrugged like it was no big thing.

Castiel lunged at Dean. Wrapping arms around his neck, he kissed him soundly. It took Dean a moment before he was kissing back.

“Come on guys,” Sam rolled his eyes giving an exasperated sigh. They turned and followed him to their dad’s room. The door was slightly ajar and Dean held out a hand for Cas to stay back as he drew his gun. Dean eyed his brother a silent signal before he pushed the door open. The two moved inside flicking on a light. Castiel hung back, nerves on edge.

“Dad!” he heard Dean and Sam yell in unison and he ran to the door. Both brothers were crouched down by their father. The room was a mess, completely trashed and a man, John Winchester he assumed, sat slumped against the wall.

“Easy does it okay, Dad? You’re gonna be alright, just talk to me,” Dean babbled. There was a lot of blood, far more blood than a person can lose and keep their heart beating.

John opened his eyes a crack, blinking up at his boys and gave a harsh wet cough. “It found me.” Another cough as both boys griped their fathers shoulders. “Didn’t get it- Elk-Elkins,” John wheezed out.

“Didn’t get what, Dad?” Sam asked voice cracking.

“Don’t talk, Dad, just stay still. We’ll get you to the hospital.” Dean searched his dad for a single  wound but it was apparent there were several.

“The Colt, Dean, you gotta—gotta get it and finish this.” John pulled Dean close and whispered something in his ear.

“Yeah alright, we’ll go get it just as soon as we get you to a hospital.”

“Too late. Dean, I-I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father to you boys, I just, I’m so proud of you. I know you’ll end this, take care of each other, ‘kay?” John coughed again and took in a rattling breath.

“Easy, Dad,” Sam chimed in, and John gave the boys a watery smile as his eyes fluttered shut. Castiel drew in a breath as he watched John exhale his last. Both brothers shook their father, begging him to wake up but they knew, just as Castiel  knew, that John was gone.

Castiel slowly crept into the room completely at a loss at what to do, how to help. Dean sat back on his heels, shoulders hitting the bed behind him. He stared blankly at his father, tears halting and face hardening. 

Sam blinked up at Dean through his own tears. “What do we do?”

“We get the Colt,” Dean replied, voice hollow. “We get it and we kill that yellow eyed son of a bitch.”


	8. Chapter 8

~~~~~  **August, 2002** ~~~~~~

 

_ Dean sat in his lifeguard chair, legs swinging back and forth as he watched the water. It was still as glass as the sun was setting, the peeper frogs making themselves known. He felt a tap by his foot and looked to see Castiel standing below him.  _

_ “Hello, Dean.” Castiel smiled up at him with that shy smile of his. Dean squinted a little and held out a hand. He felt Castiel’s strong grip on his wrist as he hauled him up to sit in front of him and lean back against his chest. He loved feeling the weight of Cas there, moving with each rise and fall of his chest. _

_ “Is the Loch Ness Monster real?” Castiel asked out of the blue, making Dean laugh. _

_ “Not that I know of. Granted I have never confirmed that for myself,” he said, shaking his head. Castiel had been insatiable for knowledge about the supernatural ever since Dean came clean about being a hunter. _

_ “I don’t think you would need to hunt that kind of monster. Nessy wouldn’t hurt anyone,” Castiel mused. _

_ “I’ll make a note,” he laughed again, hugging the guy closer to his chest, warm skin heating under his touch. “I’ve been thinking,” he said, breaking the moments silence. _

_ “About?” Castiel asked tipping his head back on Dean’s shoulder and nuzzling under his jaw. _

_ “About the fall, about maybe going to Boston with you.” In fact it was all he’d thought about since Cas had suggested it. The idea of sharing a room with him and a bed like a normal couple. He could get a job as a mechanic if he needed to, and he could come home to Cas every night. If he could just keep the nagging doubt at bay. _

_ He looked down at Castiel, whose eyes were now shining in the low evening light. “You’d really come with me?” _

_ “I mean, I want to, Cas. If you want me, maybe we can try?” If Sammy could try for a normal life, maybe he could too? _

_ Castiel didn’t reply, only flipped around till he was straddling Dean’s lap. Dean was suddenly being covered in kisses on his nose and chin and cheeks and eventually lips, till he pulled Castiel down into a heated kiss. Castiel rutted against the bulge in Dean’s jeans and he couldn’t hide the whimper at the friction. Dean was in no hurry though, he could just sit here tasting Castiel for hours, and he would if Cas hadn’t finally pulled back. _

_ “Let’s go get some dinner to celebrate! I know you didn’t have lunch—you must be hungry.” _

_ Dean put on a pout. “Hungry for you,” he teased with an eyebrow wiggle. _

_ His stomach gave a traitorous growl. “Case in point. Come on, we can fool around in the backseat of the Impala after celebratory pie.” _

_ “Mmm you sure know the way to a man’s heart. Alright, you win.” He didn’t think he could tell Castiel no for anything. _

_ They hopped down off the chair and Dean wiggled his toes in the sand, but hesitated a moment. He looked at the old beat-up wood and ducked underneath, pulling out a pocket knife. Castiel came over and peered over his shoulder as he scratched in the words, “DW was here” in his usual sharp-edged style. _

_ “May I?” Castiel asked and Dean handed over the instrument and watched as Castiel scrawled next to his, “so was CN” and tilted his head to inspect the work. “I really love this stupid chair, and I’m jealous of it.” _

_ “Jealous of what?” he laughed as they headed up to the car. _

_ “It got to hold you all summer,” Castiel grinned at him, and Dean gave his shoulder a little shove. _

_ Dean felt his phone buzz in his pocket and fished it out, answering as he dusted off his feet and pulled on his boots. _

_ “‘Ello?” he said, phone resting on his shoulder. _

_ “Dean, it’s Jim.” He stiffened immediately at the tone of voice. _

_ “Pastor Jim? What’s wrong?” ‘Cause of course there was something wrong.  _

_ Castiel moved to stand in front of him now, face scrunched in confusion. _

_ “It’s your dad. He went on a hunt last week. He was supposed to check in with me five days ago and I haven’t heard a peep. You know your dad, he wouldn’t miss a check in call unless it was real bad.” Jim’s voice was sharp with worry.  _

_ Dean felt his heart rate ratcheting up. “Fuck, you think… you think something got him?” That was impossible, nothing got John Winchester—he was invincible. _

_ “Son, I don’t know, and I would go after him myself but I got a bum leg from my last hunt. Now he was at a motel outside of Billings last I heard of him.” He felt the tightness in his chest growing till it was nearly strangling him. _

_ “I’m on it. Just call me back if you hear anything. I’m a few days out, okay?” He avoided Castiel’s eyes. _

_ “Alright son, you keep me posted. Take care of yourself.” _

_ “Will do. Bye, Jim.” Dean hung up his phone and stuffed it in his back pocket before running to his trunk to check his supplies. _

_ “Dean, what’s going on?” Castiel’s voice came from over his shoulder. _

_ “Shit...fucking hell!” he growled slamming down the top of the trunk and turning to face Cas. Castiel just waited, watching Dean’s face like he could figure out the riddle if he stared long enough. “Fuck, Cas, I’m so sorry.” _

_ The look on Castiel’s face was enough to break him into a thousand pieces. “What are you sorry for?” he asked, voice stiff. _

_ “I-I have to go. It’s my dad, he’s-he’s missing and I need to find him.” He looked at Cas, pleading with his eyes for him to understand. _

_ “I’ll come with you.” Castiel crossed his arms and Dean could see the resolve settling on his shoulders. _

_ “No, Cas, you can’t come. It’s too dangerous, you’re not a hunter. I don’t even know what I’m going up against.” His dad could already be dead by now, but nope, not gonna follow that train of thought, not now, not ever. _

_ “And I’m supposed to sit back and wait while you go risk your life?” Castiel voice got harder now, anger building. Good, anger was better than pain, right? _

_ “You gotta let me go, Cas. I know what I’m doing but I have to go.” He didn’t have time for this, he didn’t have time to make Cas understand what was at stake. _

_ “Okay, but Boston…you’ll meet me there once you know your dad is okay?” Castiel looked at him with flickering hope. And there it was, the pain in his eyes at the thought of letting Dean go. He was hurting Cas, the one thing he never wanted to do. This life was never going to let him go, and as long as he was a hunter he was only gonna bring Cas more pain. Or worse, get him killed. He needed to do what he didn’t have the courage to do before—he needed to end it. _

_ “Cas, I won’t be going to Boston, I need to stay and help my dad. He needs me, and I’m a hunter—this is what I do.” _

_ Castiel marched up into his face now, eyes blazing. “Not five minutes ago you were ready to walk away from all of it, to give that up to come and live a normal life with me. Was that just all lip service? Were you ever planning on coming?” _

_ Dean flinched at the harsh words even if he deserved them. “Of course I meant it, Cas, but I was living in a dream world with you. This thing just brought reality down on my head. I will never be able to get away from this, it’s a part of who I am. If I don’t do this people will die, people I care about. I am begging you to let me go, please I can’t, I can’t...” Fuck if his eyes weren’t filling with tears as he fell to his knees in the dirt. “Please understand, Cas, I love you so much, I just can’t live with myself if I don’t go.” He let the tears go then, just surrendered to them. The shitty fucking luck that made up Dean Winchester’s life. He wasn’t allowed to have nice things, he should never have dreamed of having Cas. _

_ He felt two hands rest on his shoulders as arms wrapped around him. He couldn’t help it, he lunged forward, pulling Cas into a bear hug, practically sobbing into his shoulder. It was gonna kill him making this choice, it felt like it might actually kill him. _

_ “It’s okay, Dean, it’s okay. I will be okay. If you need to go I-I understand,” Castiel whispered, his voice hoarse. _

_ Dean pulled back to look at him. “I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.” _

_ Castiel gave him a watery smile. “I know, Dean. I love you, I know. Just come back to me, I don’t care if it’s next month or next year or fifty, just…come back to me?” _

_ Dean knew it would never happen, he’d never get to have this again, but he drew in a breath and nodded. “Okay angel, I’ll come back.” His gut twisted with the empty promise. Castiel leaned in and kissed him with a soft and salty kiss. It was a kiss goodbye, and it was both the worst and the best kiss of his entire life. _

_ He pulled himself up off the ground and squared his shoulders, ignoring the ache in his chest that was growing at a rapid rate. Castiel wrapped his arms around himself like an armor and Dean walked to the driver’s side like he was going to the guillotine, and wasn’t he? A hunter’s life only ended one way… bloody. Castiel ran up to his driver side window and began yanking something out of his bag. He rolled his window down and Cas handed him a small leather bound notebook. _

_ “I got this for you. You can use it as a hunter’s journal, or whatever,” Castiel shrugged. _

_ Dean looked at the book and then back up into those beautiful blue eyes. “Thanks, angel. I’ll keep it with me always, okay? Be happy, Cas.” Hell, if he could have anything in the world that is what he would want, for Cas to be happy. _

_ “Be safe, and…come back,” he whispered again.  _

_ Dean couldn’t answer—he was all out of words. He shifted the car into reverse, pulling out of the small dirt parking lot. He only allowed himself one glance at the rumpled-haired, blue-eyed boy who’d stolen his heart before turning his sights to the road. He had work to do. _

 

~~~~~  **June, 2005** ~~~~~~

 

Dean watched as the warm light of dawn crept up through the tree line. Smoke from the pyre changed from white against the inky night sky, to a smoldering black drifting up toward the white clouds. It never ceased to amaze him how all people turned to the same grey ash when they were burned, even the great John Winchester. He wanted to scream, to yell until his voice failed him. He wanted to hurt something and he wanted to be hurt, anything to take away from the dull pain building in his chest. Something to fill the gaping hole his father left when John’s heart stopped beating. 

He took a steadying breath, feeling like he might float away in the sky with that smoke. He felt untethered, like he was falling and out of control. He thought he might get sick for a moment, when cold hands cupped each side of his face. He gasped at the shock of it, and blinked his eyes, looking down into the deep blue of Castiel’s. Just like that Castiel was his anchor tying him to the here and now. He didn’t say anything, he just stood there staring at him, eyes soft and undemanding.

“You’re cold,” Dean choked out with a cough, clearing his voice.

“So are you,” Castiel shot back, hands still cradling his face. He moved and covered Castiel’s hands with his own, letting his mind go a moment, lost in the face before him. How did this man still know him so well, know what he needed just with a look?

“We gotta go, my dad—” The words caught in his throat till he forced them out, “We have work to do.”

“Dean?” Sam’s voice caught his attention, and he looked up at Sam standing just a few feet away. With his arms wrapped around his large frame and shoulders hunched, despite his height, he looked like the same small kid Dean  remembered growing up.  _ What are we gonna do?  _ hung unasked in the air. Sam was waiting for him to make the next move, Cas was waiting for him to make the next move. It was on him now—they were alone and they would have to find a way to keep moving forward.

“Let’s go.” Dean didn’t look at them, couldn’t bear to. He moved to the car, his baby, knowing they would follow him. The drive would take them all day. He wanted to get there before it got dark but he wasn’t feeling optimistic. The miles of highway stretched out before him, windows down, the growl of Baby’s engine drowning out any unwanted thoughts. Elkins—Dean had to hope he was still at the same address, and that he still had the Colt, and that he’d be willing to give it to them. It was a whole lot of maybes and it made his skin itch. 

Sam was silent, staring out the window. Dean knew he should try to offer him some comfort. The only comfort either Winchester would find now would be putting a bullet in that yellow eyed son of a bitch. Then they could mourn all they wanted, which for Dean was hopefully not at all.

Despite only stopping once, they didn’t reach the cabin till nightfall. The dirt road leading up to the place winded into the woods. He parked the Impala at the bottom, not wanting to give anything away till they were closer. They loaded up on salt rounds, holy water, and checked their anti-possession charms. They all knew the objective—the safe box that Elkins kept the Colt in. He glanced to see Castiel checking the cartridges in the shotgun.

“Cas, I need you to stay here and watch the car for me, alright?”

Castiel’s brows slowly knitted together. “I’m coming with you, Dean. What if the demon is up there?”

“Exactly, what if the demon is up there?” Castiel had to see how completely insane it was for him to go anywhere near that place.

“I am much safer by your side than out here alone. I am seeing this through, Dean.” Castiel slammed the shotgun shut and began marching up the hill.  _ Well fuck. _

Dean and Sam jogged a little to catch up and he muttered under his breath about stubborn boyfriends. Castiel rolled his eyes but there was nothing but love in the expression. They moved silently, Sam and Cas taking either side of the cabin while Dean headed to the front door. He waited till the others signaled it was clear and, taking a deep breath, gave the front door a knock.

There was a dim light on inside, but not a sound. He pushed at the door and it swung open. He didn’t like the feel of it, the scent of sulfur mixed with metallic copper tang of blood. He felt Sam’s looming presence behind him on his left and Castiel’s on his right as he slowly made his way into the cabin. The place looked torn apart, books ripped off the shelves, furniture torn, and rugs flipped over.

“Elkins?” Dean whispered, moving farther into the house toward what looked like a back study. He spotted the body lying stretched out in front of the wooden desk. At least they knew where the smell of blood was coming from. He crouched down and looked the corpse over. His death was fresh, the body still warm and the blood wasn’t clotted yet. 

Sam and Cas both frowned down at him as they came  into the room. “Well that doesn’t bode well,” Castiel remarked with an unusual calm for the situation.

“Come on, we need that Colt if they come back,” Sam added as he began moving around the room. They all began searching the ruined shelves, pushing aside books and papers.

Dean sensed it before he saw anything, an overwhelming sense of wrongness thick in the air before he felt himself being thrown back hard against the wall. Pain shot through him as he collapsed in a heap. Blinking up, he saw Sam slumped to his right and Cas trying to get up across from him. Standing in the middle of the room was the figure of a man.

He didn’t look all that impressive, just an average middle-aged guy, but when his eyes flashed yellow Dean felt his body still. It was him, Yellow Eyes, like a nightmare come to life. The man gave him a wicked smile.

“Hello there, boy. You find me my Colt yet?” He laughed a little. 

Dean’s mind was whirling a mile a minute trying to think of what to do.

“Fuck you, asshole. Stay the fuck away from him!” Sam growled. Dean and the Demon looked over at him where he was attempting, and failing, to get off the bookshelf he was pinned under. Dean stared in shock at his brother and almost missed the tiny nod Sam made. Frowning, he glanced down and felt a loose floorboard by his fingers…the Colt.

“Oh Sammy, don’t you worry, I have plans for you. I won’t harm a single hair on your head. Now as for your brother Dean here, I can’t say the same.” Yellow Eyes glanced between the brothers. Dean needed a distraction, needed just a few seconds to get the Colt before Yellow Eyes saw him. Suddenly his gut felt like it was being torn apart. He doubled over, gasping in a ragged breath and coughing up blood. It was agony, like razor blades in his stomach. He blinked his eyes, trying frantically to see past the pain. Yellow Eyes was laughing while Sam and Castiel shouted, but to him but it sounded muffled and distant.

He looked up and caught a glimpse of Castiel lunging for the demon. He wanted to yell, to scream, to tell Castiel to run the other way, but he couldn’t get any words out past the blood. The Demon snarled when Castiel sank a knife into his back and threw Castiel up against the wall with a sickening crack. Yellow Eyes turned his back on Dean and the pain began to ease a little. He only had a moment to pull in a breath before he saw Yellow Eyes lifting Castiel up the wall and toward the ceiling.

_ No, no, no, no, not again, not Cas! _

Now was his only chance and he prayed it was there. Pushing the board aside, he reached down and flipped the lid on a small wooden box. His hand wrapped around the cool handle, pulling it up in one swift motion and leveling it at the demon’s head. Castiel was almost on the ceiling when Dean yelled, “Hey asshole!”

Yellow Eyes turned and Dean gave him a smile before pulling the trigger, hitting the demon right between the eyes. A surge of energy pulsed through the room as the demon’s eyes began to flicker  out and he collapsed on the floor with a thud. Castiel fell as well, landing awkwardly on his feet. Before he even processed what was going on, Sam and Cas were both at his side, helping him up.

He was still hurt, but the bleeding had stopped and he looked at the two most important people in his life to see they were both relatively unscathed. Looking down at Yellow Eyes, he walked over to him, trying to let the moment wash over him…it was over…it was finally over.

“Well, check that off the to-do list,” Dean laughed. Castiel’s hand slipped into his and Sam’s hand fell on his shoulder.

“You did it…I mean...our whole lives, everything...has been prepping for this, and now I…” Sam chuckled now too. “I kind of don't know what to say,” Sam said, voice low and full of awe.

“I do.” He glared down at the monster who stole so much from him. “That was for our mom...you son of a bitch.”

Dean took the ruined couch for a lot of the clean up. He still felt like he swallowed battery acid. He wanted to help, but Castiel and Sam brushed off his offer and managed to salt and burn both bodies. They piled into the Impala, Sam behind the wheel. Dean climbed in back with Cas, totally exhausted. The Impala roared to life and Sam leaned over the back seat, looking at Dean.

“So what now?” And it was such a simple question that he had no idea how to answer.

“Closest motel you can find so we can get some sleep.”

“And then?” Castiel asked, voice cautious.

“And then I have no fucking clue. Celebratory pie? Can we figure out the rest of our lives tomorrow?” He looked between both of them and Sam smiled, shaking his head as Castiel nodded. He didn’t know what was going to happen now, but so long as the three of them were safe, it was a problem for another day. He curled up on the seat, head in Castiel’s lap and felt fingers carding through his hair. It was over, finally over, and he was exactly where he wanted to be.


	9. Chapter 9

~~~~~  **June, 2005** ~~~~~~   
  


Castiel hadn’t slept so hard in a long time, tangled up with Dean under the scratchy covers of the motel room bed. His stomach growled and he pointedly ignored it. Dean was all but dead to the world, arm curled around his waist, leg carelessly wrapped around his own. He wouldn’t wake this man, not for anything.

He took the time just to look at him, take in all the changes over the past few years, and honestly, just the past few days. He didn’t think any ordinary person could go through all that and come out the other side. Dean was anything but ordinary though, in fact he was the most extraordinary person he’d ever met. Just being near him made him feel braver, smarter, stronger. Maybe that was always what he loved about Dean, that he made him feel like the best version of himself.

He couldn’t help but feel the doubt and worry creeping in now. The Winchesters had done it, they had killed the demon that took their mother from them, their father, their childhoods. He wasn’t sure what Dean was going to want from his life, now that there wasn’t this all consuming need for revenge and familial obligation. Was there going to be any room for Cas in that future? The uncertainty of it all was making his stomach hurt. He had a text from his realtor—the house was all set and he had a substantial amount of money in his bank account. He had options, but none of them sounded appealing without Dean.

He’d worked himself up, mind reeling, by the time he rolled out of bed and decided to go in search of food. He came back to the room arms full of pancakes, bacon, and coffee to find Dean sitting on the end of his bed with a notebook grasped in his hand. He hesitated a moment before setting down the food.

“I never stopped thinking about you.” Dean broke the silence as he stared down at his hands. Castiel watched the man’s fingers trace the edges of the binding. “Not a single day I didn’t want to come back to you. I just never thought…I mean with my life…and there was never really an end in sight, you know—”

“Dean,” he felt his voice come out higher than he meant and a lump rising in his throat. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“But I do, Cas, I need you to know I didn’t forget, and I need you to understand that I know what I want. I’ve always known what I want since I first kissed you in that lake.” Dean looked up at him now and Castiel just watched as he stretched out a hand with his notebook. He looked a little like a kid turning in homework.

“What is this?” he asked taking the notebook and suddenly recognizing it. “The journal I gave you?” He almost didn’t recognize it, the leather cover was worn and soft taking on a distressed look.

“I, uh, I wrote in it a lot. When ever I felt kinda alone, you know, I would just write and it helped.” Dean shrugged and stared at his bare toes on the motel carpet.

Castiel moved to the extra bed in the room, the one neither of them had slept in and sat down, opening up the journal.

 

_ 8/28/2002 _

_ Hey Cas, _

_ This writing shit down is really not my thing but I thought it might be easier if I just write like I’m talking to you. I wanted to call you today and tell you I found my dad. He was all kinds of messed up by a demon he’d been hunting. I showed up just in time really. I want to tell you about it, but I know that’s not really fair of me to call you. I’m sitting in the ER waiting room, the coffee really sucks. I miss you Cas. _

_ 9/13/2002 _

_ They let my dad out today, he’s still not moving great but I don’t think he could stand one more day of hospital jello. I don’t really mind the cherry flavor, not that I stole any of course, fine upstanding citizen like myself. Anyway he wants to hit the road for a case tomorrow, something about campers going missing. Bet you’re all moved into your apartment by now. I wish I could be there, share an actual bed with you. I miss you Cas. _

_ 9/19/2002 _

_ Fucking witches man, I mean what did that rabbit ever do to them? Still missing you Cas. _

_ 9/21/2002 _

_ Can’t sleep tonight, hunt went bad, we didn’t get there in time. I hate not being enough. If I can’t save these people then what’s the point? I hope your classes are going okay. Miss you. _

_ 9/30/2002 _

_ Took care of a twin ghosts today, twins! Like how the hell does that even work? One of the fuckers broke two of my fingers. I’m fine though, Dad wrapped it up for me, nothing a few fingers of whiskey can’t fix. Ha! Get it, fingers? I miss you. Feel really fucking stupid writing to you like this, you're never gonna see it. _

_ 10/09/2002 _

_ Passed a lake today, water was really still, no wind at all. It made me think of you. God I really miss kissing you. I called you today, well I dialed the number and hung up once you answered. How fucking lame is that. It was nice to hear your voice again, to know you're safe. _

Castiel began flipping through the pages, there was at least an entry or more every week for all three years. Some of them were pretty simple, Dean talking about a case or his dad, but a lot of the time it was Dean just talking about him, talking about missing him. Suddenly all those strange wrong number phone calls were starting to make a lot of sense.

“Flip to the end.” Dean’s voice cut through his focus and blinked up at him before flipping to the last few entries.

_ 6/05/2005 _

_ Sammy told me about a possible werewolf case up in Stow today. Couldn’t believe it when he told me. I know you probably aren’t there, off living your life in some city or something. Part of me is so scared to go there and find you waiting for me, but I think I am even more scared cause I know you won’t be. _

_ 6/08/2005 _

_ I haven’t told Sam anything but I think he knows something is off. We’re only a few hours out from town now, just taking a nap in the car before we finish the last leg of the drive. What if you’re actually there? What if I see you again? What if I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep fighting all this without you? What if I don’t want to anymore? It’s too late I know, I fucked it all up, and you're better off without me. It’s stupid and selfish to hope but, if you're there, I don’t think I could ever let you go again. I love you, I should have said that to you more. _

He slowly closed the book on the last scribbled entry, hand running over the cover. His vision blurred a little and he tried to blink the tears away but it only made it worse. Dean was kneeling in front of him now, one hand resting on his knee and the other thumb going to swipe the moisture from his cheek. He swallowed and tried to clear the lump, in his throat but failed miserably.

“I love you, Cas. I know I’m shit at showing it sometimes. I don’t know what is next for me but I know I want you there with me. If you’ll have me, I need you, angel, please.” Dean drew in a breath. 

The pleading in his voice broke something free within Cas, and he lunged forward, falling into his lap. He wrapped his limbs around him and kissed his neck and cheek and nose and lips and gasped a little when Dean’s arms came strong around him, pulling them against each other.

“I love you, Dean. I’m not going anywhere, it’s gonna be okay now,” he said with conviction as he continued to kiss and grasp at Dean. They pressed together, kissing, holding each other until Dean’s stomach gave an ominous growl and they pulled back, laughing.

“Guess I’m kinda hungry,” Dean shrugged.

Castiel planted a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Then it's good I brought breakfast, huh.”

“Bacon?” Dean’s eyebrows raised.

“All the bacon,” Castiel chuckled.

“I knew there was a reason I loved you,” Dean kissed the tip of his nose.

“That the only reason?” he teased.

“I think you will find a host of reasons if you want to read the whole journal, but bacon tops the list.” Dean smirked and Castiel knew that things were going to work out. Whatever came next they were facing it together.   
  


~~~~~  **June, 2012** ~~~~~~   
  


Dean smiled as he pulled the Impala deep into the bunker’s garage. He’d been away from home too long and he missed his bed, and more importantly, the man in the bed.

“I need a hot shower and then I am crashing,” Sam said, closing the passenger door and stretching his hands above his head with a yawn.

“Could have showered at the motel you know.” Dean shook his head.

“You used all the hot water,” Sam flashed him a bitch face.

Dean chuckled. “Oh yeah. Well, snooze ya lose.”

They made their way into the bunker. Dean rounded the corner into the map room to see Castiel up in the library. He looked every bit the academic he was, glasses sitting low on his nose, surrounded by volumes of books. Sam and Castiel were born to be Men of Letters. 

The day they’d gotten the key their grandfather left them and found the bunker, Dean knew it would be home. A real safe haven for them in such a dangerous world. He’d always felt a certain pang of guilt that none of them had a home. They’d all agreed to keep hunting, and while the years on the road were hard they were still some of the best he could  remember. Having a home base though? Where Sam and Castiel could research to their nerdy hearts’ content? A bedroom where he could keep a record collection and memory foam mattress? It was as close to heaven as Dean could hope for.

Castiel pulled his eyes up from the book he was engrossed in, pulling the glasses from his face and giving Dean a wide, warm smile. He took the steps in two long strides and bent down to capture Castiel’s lips with his own, enjoying the wanton moan this elicited.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel rumbled, and Dean swore his voice dropped a little more each year.

“Whatcha readin’?” He leaned over to see very small text that seemed to be in French.

“This is from a French Men of Letters house, detailing what could be a cure for lycanthropy. I'm working on the translation. How did the hunt go?”

“Same old same old. Still got all ten fingers and toes.” He wiggled his fingers in Castiel’s face to emphasize his point.

“That is encouraging. I have plans for these fingers.” Castiel grabbed Dean's right hand by the wrist and pressed a kiss to the tips of his fingers. It sent a shiver through him and made Castiel chuckle. Castiel turned in his chair, opening his legs and pulled Dean in between them, hands secure on Dean's hips. Dean couldn’t help but run his fingers through Castiel’s hair, messing it up.

“I missed you,” he hummed contentedly.

“If I recall correctly you owe me, Dean Winchester.” Castiel raised a brow at him.

“Kinda thought you might forget about that,” Dean shrugged, not really concerned what Cas would ask of him. There really wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do.

“I never win a bet with you and I intend to claim my prize. Now that you're home, anyway.” Castiel looked downright thrilled.

“How was I supposed to know that the sasquatch would be brave enough to ask her out?” Dean scowled teasingly.

“Sam had not taken his eyes off Eileen from the first moment she set foot in the bunker. I'm unsurprised he didn’t wait to make his feelings known—she's a perfect match for him.” Castiel shrugged.

“Alright, alright, you won fair and square. So you plan to tell me what I'll be doing tonight?” Dean tried and failed to hide a smile.

“I’d rather show you,” Castiel stood up and led the way back down the hall toward their bedroom. Sam had taken the opposite side of the bunker once he realized Dean and Castiel were not good at being quiet and despite their thickness, the walls were not soundproof.

Castiel pushed open the door, pulling Dean into the room and a flush crept up his cheeks. For just a moment Dean could see the same shy kid he met all those years ago. He stood before him and glanced around the room, seeing nothing out of place.

“Well?” he asked, waiting to see what Cas would do.

“Close your eyes,” Cas commanded, and Dean gave them a bit of a roll before shutting them. “Stick out your hands.”

Dean sighed and did as asked. There was a bit of shuffling and then a strange fabric hit his fingertips. His eyes opened at he looked down at a red pair of swim trunks. “You have got to be kidding me,” Dean held up the swim trunks, a bit worn and having lost a little of their brightness over the years.

“You promised anything I want,” Castiel warned, a challenging smile on his face.

“You do realize there’s no way these still fit?”

“Give them a try, please? For me?” And how could he say no to that? 

He made Castiel turn around while he stripped out of his clothes and wiggled his hips, shimmying the red material into place. He checked the lock on the door—heaven forbid Sam walk in on him in his Baywatch-style getup. Castiel reached a hand back without looking, holding up a whistle and a white towel. He had to laugh at this as he sat the whistle around his neck and draped the towel over one shoulder.

He felt a little ridiculous as he stood there in his old lifeguard uniform, wondering where Cas had even found all these old things. Cas spun around then his eyes going wide, taking Dean in. He felt a bit self conscious—he wasn’t as young as he once was, lines a bit deeper around his eyes, a lightening to his hair, and a softness to his middle.

“How are you still the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen?” Castiel stared at him with such adoration it made his skin heat from under his gaze.

“Back at ya, angel,” he winked, taking a step forward. “You got me in my suit, but where’s the water?”

Castiel smiled. “Oh I plan to get you plenty wet, Winchester.” Castiel pulled out a bottle of strawberry flavored lube and Dean couldn’t help but laugh.

“You sneaky devil, you,” Dean teased. 

It took very little time for Castiel to get him bent over and presenting on the bed with the swim trunks pulled down just below his ass cheeks. Castiel had peppered every exposed inch of him with biting, sucking kisses and now was three fingers deep with a torturous slow slide in and out. He trembled and bit his hand to ground himself, overwhelmed with sensation as Castiel’s other hand groped and squeezed his erection through the scratchy fabric of his trunks.

“I love you like this, all lost and open for me, needing me,” Castiel panted behind him, pressing into his prostate again, pulling a moan from his throat.

Castiel did have a way of leaving him open and exposed and somehow being here with Cas, like this, was still the safest place he knew on earth. He arched his back and rocked into Castiel’s hands feeling the dampness forming in the front of his trunks, cock leaking and throbbing with need now. “C-Cas,” he whimpered, hoping to convey how very close he was to tipping over the edge.

Castiel came behind him, fingers withdrawing, quickly replaced by a slicked up cock pressing into him. Castiel’s hand was still gripping his cock, his free hand splayed out across his chest, pulling him flush against Dean’s back. Cas lifted him off the bed till he was sitting on his lap, head tipped back. “Are you gonna make a mess of these for me, Dean?” Castiel asked, hand massaging him and teasing a thumb around the head of his cock as he made slow, shallow thrusts.

“Anything for you a-angel.” He gasped in a breath as Castiel’s mouth kissed at his pulse point. He reached one hand to grip at Castiel’s hair, the other pulling at his hips urging him on. They rocked together, so deep, and Dean felt like he was drowning in it, melting into Castiel’s arms. All it took was one well placed thrust and a twist of his wrist and Dean was coming hard, bucking up into his swim suit.

“Dean, Dean, Dean, oh god,” Castiel chanted into his ear as he found his release, hands digging into his skin. They both shook with the aftershocks of it, trembling and holding each other as they struggled to catch their breath. He wondered if it would ever stop feeling like this, stop feeling so incredibly overwhelming and world ending when they came together. He certainly hoped not.

They disentangled themselves and Dean kicked off his now thoroughly debauched swim trunks before they curled up under the covers together. Castiel played with the string on his whistle tugging at it absently as he stretched out beside him. “Thanks for that. Always wanted to see you come in those,” Castiel purred contentedly.

“All you had to do was ask.” He smiled, planting a kiss to Castiel’s forehead. “Maybe we can go back some day? Or go take a vacation somewhere.”

“I’d like that, get you in the water again, all mine.” He felt a kiss under his jaw and sighed into the touch.

“Maybe I can even get you to ditch the swim trunks again,” he chuckled.

“I could be persuaded.” Castiel hugged in a little closer and let out a huge yawn.

“Goodnight, angel,” he whispered, flicking off the lamp.

“Goodnight, Dean,” he whispered back into the dark. 

As Dean drifted off to sleep he marveled at how much his life had changed. Little had he known that night heading into that dark, cool water that he was really heading into the light and warmth of Castiel’s heart. He knew that even out in the darkness, neither of them would ever be truly alone again. He hummed the familiar melody and smiled, knowing he was right where he was meant to be.

 

_ What if there were two, _

_ side by side in orbit _

_ around the fairest sun. _

_ That bright, tight forever drum _

_ Could not describe night swimming. _


End file.
